Breakthrough Writer

Avoiding Sentence Fragments

Here's a good link for avoiding sentence fragments.

Exercises to Eliminate Comma Splices and Run-Ons

Here are some exercises so you'll avoid comma splices and run-ons.

Use Plural Pronouns "They" and "We" Instead of "He/She" And "One"

Using a singular pronoun can get awkward. Take a look:

When one discovers one is a narcissist, one's world turns upside down.

When an individual discovers he or she is a narcissist, his or her world turns upside down.

It's better to use "we" or "they":

When we discover we're narcissists, our worlds turn upside down. 

Or:

When people discover they're narcissists, their worlds turn upside down.

Sample Essay (for the sake of emphasis, I use one singular pronoun one time. See if you can find it.)

Who Are “Those People” Anyways?

 

“Those people” is a generic term for the marginalized and the unfortunate, those individuals who are regarded as freaks, pariahs, losers, and lunatics. Sometimes “those people” are perceived legitimately as crazy, undesirable, or malignant or all three. Other times, they are mere scapegoats, projections of their condemners who find comfort in blinding themselves from their own faults by seeing those same repugnant, self-crippling defects in others.

More specifically, “those people” include a variety of unenviable categories. I cannot make a complete list, nor is that my intention, but to give you an idea of how we identify “those people,” here are some categories that come to mind:

 

1.              Men estranged from their wives who spend ten hours a day in a Starbucks with their laptops. Ostensibly, they are doing a variety of business tasks, but really they are displaced and are creating a home away from the home that they can no longer enter. We look at them and we say, “I hope I never become like that.”

2.              Related to the above, men who come home from work and stay in their parked car for sometimes several hours. While they listen to the bustle of their wives and children inside, they drink whiskey from a flask and wait until they’re sufficiently medicated before they enter the house. Sometimes they remain in their cars all night, their heads resting on their steering wheels. We pity these men and say, “But by the grace of God I haven’t become like this.

3.              Women who are weird loners to the point of being “undateable” and live in an unkempt abode with several cats whom they talk to at length. It is not uncommon for these women to be students of Wicca, New Age, and various goddess religions and their attire includes flowing floral dresses and tie-dyed tunics. We wonder how lonely their hell is that their waking hours will be spent more talking to cats than talking to humans.

4.              Renters who move into a neighborhood they cannot afford to live in as buyers. Their unfortunate condition of being renters is a result of their irresponsible, sometimes pathological lifestyle habits—loud ruckus-causing parties, instant gratification over long-term goals, to name a couple—and they import their pathology to the neighborhood of homeowners. One of their most visible signs is owning third-rate cars with ugly and expensive chrome wheels. We resolve that we will teach our children to be disciplined and never be like “those renters.”

5.              Self-righteous do-gooders who like to control other people by laying guilt trips on them and who claim to be devoted to serving others as loving humanitarians when in fact their condescending attitude evidences that they hate people. For example, I heard a persnickety woman call NPR the other day and boast how she “educates” her neighbors on various ways to conserve water. She will even chastise them for watering their lawns too often and discourage them from watering after the early morning so that the water doesn’t evaporate in the sunlight. We see such a person and say to ourselves, “Please never let me be such an obnoxious lout.”

6.              Lonely guys at the apartment pool who are on disability so they are out at the pool from 7 A.M. until closing.  These middle-aged raconteurs will start a conversation with anyone willing to listen. They spray water on sunbathers’ backs, telling them they look too hot. Uninvited, they join people’s pool games. They become such a nuisance that the other apartment tenants will approach the pool gate, see the lonely men, and turn around. A refreshing dip in the pool isn’t worth another encounter with these needy gentlemen. Some people move to another apartment and a variation of the needy pool guy hangs out at the other apartment pool as well. It turns out that lonely men at the pool belong to their own category of “those people.”

 

Of course, this small list is just scratching the surface of how many “those people” categories there are. My objective is not to make an exhaustive list but rather to make the point that it is human nature for us to find comfort by labeling others as “those people” because we are glad and relieved that we aren’t “like them” and we bond with others who have, like us, identified the undesirables and since we share scorn and suspicion for “those people,” we experience a bonding process with those who are “like us.”

The need to draw a demarcation line between us and them is as old as the first tribal societies. 

Two things need to be said about this demarcation line, however. Number one, the line is not a permanent one. We can, against our will usually, move from the “in” group to the “out” group and back and forth depending on several circumstances, many of which are out of our control. Secondly, the characteristics we attribute to “those people” are often grossly inaccurate and usually based on stereotypes. Perhaps for survival reasons, we reduce others to stereotypes because doing so makes us feel more protected and more closely bonded with those who share our tendency to stereotype and demonize others.

 

What Happens When We Discover We Are “Those People”?

 

So far I’ve talked about how we often perceive others, accurately or not, as “those people. But now I want to talk about the psychological process of what happens when we perceive ourselves as “those people,” when we wake up to the horrific truth that makes us say, “Oh my God! There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I have much in common with the very people I’ve spent my life judging! How in the hell did this happen to me? And what if anything can I do to stop or reverse this?”

When we see that a great seismic shift has occurred in our psyche so that we have become undesirable to both society and to ourselves, we have reached one of the greatest struggles we shall ever face. This struggle is literally a battle for our sanity and our lives. It is this battle, this all-consuming inner struggle, that I now want to talk about.  The battle to preserve our sanity is difficult for two reasons. One, once we realize that other people, perhaps people we respect and admire, have tagged us as “those people,” we undergone a drastic reorientation to the our place in the world. We realize there has been a huge gulf between the way we perceive ourselves and the way others perceive us. Bridging this gulf is very difficult, but necessary. Consider the narcissist is someone who never bridges that gulf. If perhaps we have been narcissistic seeing ourselves with high regard while others see us in rather low regard, it is our moral duty to bridge that gap, for the sake of others and ourselves.

Many will say we should rejoice when we see the truth about ourselves and many will fondly quote the famous Biblical injunction, “Know the truth because the truth shall set you free.”

Yes, knowing the truth is indeed a prerequisite for freeing ourselves. But that is not always the case. Sometimes the truth is so devastating, we’re left feeling overwhelmed, powerless, and paralyzed. Sometimes life is easier if we live under the spell of mighty delusion. The delusion keeps us buoyant and gives us the energy and drive to move ahead. Many of us are like Gatsby. We need a green light to keep us driven. Tell us the green light is a sham and we become disheartened. For some of us the green light is the belief that people like and admire us. To find out that we are not liked or held in high esteem, that in fact people are leery of us and in fact have branded us as “those people” and we become crushed. What kind of freedom is it to know you’re a freak, at best tolerated by the in-group and at worst despised? Is it any wonder, then, that most of us spend our whole lives on Planet Earth with our heads up our butts? 

Avoiding Sentence Fragments

A sentence fragment is an incomplete thought presented in error as a complete sentence. A sentence fragment lacks a subject and a verb. The following are examples of fragments:

1. Under the bridge where the troll eating a sandwich schemes a plot against pedestrians who cross the bridge. A dog waits for food scraps to drop into his mouth.

2. Mr. Patterson's favorite car is the slate blue Infiniti G37 Sports Coupe. Which represents the finest automative engineering available today. 

3. Mr. Patterson obsesses over oversized platters of fatty dishes. Such as pesto salami pizza. Banana splits slathered with whipped cream. Salami and cheddar omelets. Triple-thick strawberry milk shakes. Crab and sour cream casseroles infused with gorgonzola cheese. 

4. El Camino College is attracting more and more students during this economic recession. When people are leaving work to complete their education. Resulting in congested parking conditions. 

5. The recession gives people more free time. Thereby motivating them to go back to school. 

6. Katy eats a gallon of rocky road ice cream straight from the carton. Whenever her boyfriend forgets to call her at night.

7. Last night I was lecturing on logical fallacies to my English 1A students. While Beatrice ignored me and used her cell phone to get a score update on the Lakers' game against the Bucs. 

8. I will give you the ten thousand dollars you requested. If and only if you agree to to give me a lifetime of free plastic surgeries at your Beauty Job #1 Clinic. 

9. Financial experts mostly agree that the economy should go through a healing phase at the end of 2009. Which of course is predicated on the assumption that consumer confidence is not permanently damaged. 

10. You will find the diamonds you have been diligently looking for. As long as you keep your mind focused on the clues I have provided for you. 

11. The Invicta Corduba men's watch boasts a 61 millimeter bezel. Producing the most dramatic manly watch you can buy for the money. 

The above fragments have isolated phrases and dependent clauses:

Prepositional phrases: Under the car where the mechanic finds the hole in the gas tank . . . 

Participial (modifying phrases): Leaning against the wall with his arms crossed in an arrogant fashion . . . 

Dependent clauses: Whenever it rains and I am overcome with a sense of melancholy . . . 

Common Composition Errors: Comma Splices

 

 

One. Comma Splices—joining two complete sentences with a comma (3 of these on an essay at Cal State or UC results in an automatic F)

 

The only words you can use to join to complete sentences with a comma before the joining word are what are called “FANBOYS”—for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so

 

For example, these sentences are correct with one of the FANBOYS words: 

 

1. Eddie Haskell was known as an obsequious sniveling fraud in the iconic Leave It to Beaver, but he has remained throughout the ages a beloved TV character.
2. McMahon abstains from HomeTown Buffet, and he also avoids Shakey’s, Claim Jumpers, McDonalds, Taco Bell, Del Taco, Subway, Quiznos, and Dominoes.
3. Paris Hilton remains the quintessential celebrity, yet her achievements in life are nil rendering her an absolute cipher.

 

Examples of comma splices in which conjunctive adverbs, INCORRECTLY, are used to join two complete sentences. 

 

1. Going AWOL is a sign of cowardice, however, we should not coerce the absent soldier from going back to his platoon.
2. We are a country that dismisses sleep as the act of the Lazy Man, to the contrary, though, sleep is essential to supreme health.
3. Young people are addicted to text messaging, moreover, they ostracize their peers who are not “text-message literate” because they are considered “out of touch.”
4. You should avoid Claim Jumpers tonight for dinner, instead go home, barbecue yourself some salmon, and sauté a pound of spinach with olive oil, herbs, spices, and freshly grated Parmesan cheese.  

 

 

Five Writing Traps

The Five Writing Traps to Avoid

1.    Turning in late papers—I set my sights on the new cycle of essays so that when a late paper, from the old cycle, comes my way I look at that paper with disdain. In fact, my heart is “dead” to the late paper and I will mark that late paper with a C or D grade no matter what the paper’s virtues. My hostility to the late paper is exacerbated when students give me their grossly tardy expositions during the last two weeks of the semester, a time in which I am  already inundated with stacks of on-time papers, thereby making me especially vitriolic toward late essays, which I see as an affront to my dignity and self-respect and which therefore compel me to mark those essays with a D or F grade. I harbor enormous suspicions towards alleged “medical and family emergencies” which “necessitate” turning in a late essay. While I concede that compelling circumstances do exist and while I address those alleged compelling circumstances on an individual basis and with sympathy, I have found over the last twenty years of teaching that well over 99% of the students who claim special circumstances  are a constant source of chafing agitation and demonstrate a highly annoying predictable pattern of lame excuses, “bad luck,” and emotional neediness which, for their sake, I do not indulge lest I should be guilty of encouraging their dysfunctional behavior. In conclusion, do not, I repeat, do not turn in late essays. 
2.    Writing essays that are full of the obvious and self-evident—an essay full of obvious truths and clichés has no reason to exist, no matter how well organized and well written. Writing about the evil of greed and materialism or the way in which we are withdrawing into our technology or how we have forgotten to love and respect one another are all true and noble sentiments but they have no business in your papers since, presumably, we already have those beliefs so that these papers are superfluous. To capitulate to obvious truths about the human condition is to sermonize or to lecture down to your reader. Also, if the material is obvious, you will be bored with your own essay and your reader will even be more bored. Therefore, strive to challenge your intellect and argue for a position that requires vigorous defense and sophisticated analysis. 
3.    Writing essays from your head but not your gut—intellectual explorations can only take you so far. A memorable essay must be fueled by both your mind and a fire in your belly. If you can’t muster a fire of passion for your topic, then your essay will be flaccid, perfunctory, and lackluster, sins which your reader will never forgive. You cannot fake passion. Either you have it or you don’t. It is your responsibility to find a way to bring authentic passion to your essay. 
4.    Writing half-baked essays—a half-baked essay is a rough draft, a seed of a good idea. It may contain a recognizable structure, topic sentences, a clear focus, and an exciting approach but it falls on its face because the essay lacks details, color, and concreteness. A telltale sign of a half-baked essay is short paragraphs. Fully developed paragraphs, 100-150 words, are a sign of a fully baked exposition, which I can spot immediately just by glancing at your paragraphs. A lack of details, haphazard sentences, redundant syntax, lack of word variety—all these things evince a half-baked essay written in the rush of a moment or with one hand on the keyboard and other holding a cell phone. I have sadly received many half-baked essays because students carried on with cell-phone conversations while writing their essays. 
5.    Relying on your computer or a tutor for spelling, grammar, and other facets of your exposition—realize that your computer is a nincompoop that is incapable of discerning the difference between possessive case and a contraction (whose/who’s or your/you’re or its/it’s) and many other spelling scenarios. Its grammar check is a complete stinker. Its ability to detect other syntax errors is at best weak. Do not rely on it. Do not rely on your tutor for grammar either. Over the last twenty years I have received thousands of “tutor-approved” essays rife with comma splices, run-ons, fragments, noun-pronoun errors, dangling modifiers, faulty subordination, elephantine syntax, and other egregious errors that have prompted full investigations into the credentials of these so-called “tutors.”  I have also over the last twenty years graded horrific, cliché-laden essays that the students defended by saying, “But my tutor liked it,” or “It was my tutor’s idea.” I don’t care what your tutor thought or said about your essay. Your tutor means absolutely nothing to me. Therefore rely on no one but yourself. This is a life lesson in being street smart, the most valuable kind of intelligence. Remember that Rule Number One in being street smart is trusting no one. Rule Number Two is don’t make your pride, performance, and excellence dependent on others. Your excellence and success is your responsibility and no one else’s.   

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The Five Writing Traps to Avoid

1.    Turning in late papers—I set my sights on the new cycle of essays so that when a late paper, from the old cycle, comes my way I look at that paper with disdain. In fact, my heart is “dead” to the late paper and I will mark that late paper with a C or D grade no matter what the paper’s virtues. My hostility to the late paper is exacerbated when students give me their grossly tardy expositions during the last two weeks of the semester, a time in which I am  already inundated with stacks of on-time papers, thereby making me especially vitriolic toward late essays, which I see as an affront to my dignity and self-respect and which therefore compel me to mark those essays with a D or F grade. I harbor enormous suspicions towards alleged “medical and family emergencies” which “necessitate” turning in a late essay. While I concede that compelling circumstances do exist and while I address those alleged compelling circumstances on an individual basis and with sympathy, I have found over the last twenty years of teaching that well over 99% of the students who claim special circumstances  are a constant source of chafing agitation and demonstrate a highly annoying predictable pattern of lame excuses, “bad luck,” and emotional neediness which, for their sake, I do not indulge lest I should be guilty of encouraging their dysfunctional behavior. In conclusion, do not, I repeat, do not turn in late essays. 
2.    Writing essays that are full of the obvious and self-evident—an essay full of obvious truths and clichés has no reason to exist, no matter how well organized and well written. Writing about the evil of greed and materialism or the way in which we are withdrawing into our technology or how we have forgotten to love and respect one another are all true and noble sentiments but they have no business in your papers since, presumably, we already have those beliefs so that these papers are superfluous. To capitulate to obvious truths about the human condition is to sermonize or to lecture down to your reader. Also, if the material is obvious, you will be bored with your own essay and your reader will even be more bored. Therefore, strive to challenge your intellect and argue for a position that requires vigorous defense and sophisticated analysis. 
3.    Writing essays from your head but not your gut—intellectual explorations can only take you so far. A memorable essay must be fueled by both your mind and a fire in your belly. If you can’t muster a fire of passion for your topic, then your essay will be flaccid, perfunctory, and lackluster, sins which your reader will never forgive. You cannot fake passion. Either you have it or you don’t. It is your responsibility to find a way to bring authentic passion to your essay. 
4.    Writing half-baked essays—a half-baked essay is a rough draft, a seed of a good idea. It may contain a recognizable structure, topic sentences, a clear focus, and an exciting approach but it falls on its face because the essay lacks details, color, and concreteness. A telltale sign of a half-baked essay is short paragraphs. Fully developed paragraphs, 100-150 words, are a sign of a fully baked exposition, which I can spot immediately just by glancing at your paragraphs. A lack of details, haphazard sentences, redundant syntax, lack of word variety—all these things evince a half-baked essay written in the rush of a moment or with one hand on the keyboard and other holding a cell phone. I have sadly received many half-baked essays because students carried on with cell-phone conversations while writing their essays. 
5.    Relying on your computer or a tutor for spelling, grammar, and other facets of your exposition—realize that your computer is a nincompoop that is incapable of discerning the difference between possessive case and a contraction (whose/who’s or your/you’re or its/it’s) and many other spelling scenarios. Its grammar check is a complete stinker. Its ability to detect other syntax errors is at best weak. Do not rely on it. Do not rely on your tutor for grammar either. Over the last twenty years I have received thousands of “tutor-approved” essays rife with comma splices, run-ons, fragments, noun-pronoun errors, dangling modifiers, faulty subordination, elephantine syntax, and other egregious errors that have prompted full investigations into the credentials of these so-called “tutors.”  I have also over the last twenty years graded horrific, cliché-laden essays that the students defended by saying, “But my tutor liked it,” or “It was my tutor’s idea.” I don’t care what your tutor thought or said about your essay. Your tutor means absolutely nothing to me. Therefore rely on no one but yourself. This is a life lesson in being street smart, the most valuable kind of intelligence. Remember that Rule Number One in being street smart is trusting no one. Rule Number Two is don’t make your pride, performance, and excellence dependent on others. Your excellence and success is your responsibility and no one else’s.   

Writing an Effective Thesis

An effective thesis is a passionate, often contrarian, assertion that can be demonstrated with compelling examples, logic, data, and research.  Each compelling example is sometimes called a mapping component or mapping statement.

Example:

Driving SUVs is grossly immoral. The immorality of SUV ownership is rooted in the person’s need to bully and dominate others who are in smaller automobiles. Secondly, SUV drivers tend to be lazy, wanting the SUV to drive itself, while these inattentive drivers “chill” inside their luxurious SUV, which serves as a sort of living room or penthouse suite, and this of course imposes danger on other drivers. Third, SUV drivers are indifferent to the green house gas effect their bloated SUVs have on the atmosphere. And finally, SUV drivers are reinforcing America’s dependence on foreign oil, which is unpatriotic. In sum, the SUV driver tends to be a self-centered narcissist who embodies the most egregious traits of the Ugly American.

For Your Personal Statement, You Must Read 50 Successful Harvard Application Essays

Don't bother writing your personal statement until you read 50 Successful Harvard Application Essays.

Without seeing how competitive the application process is, you are unlikely to be successful. So get this book before you even try to write your personal statement.

Writing an Effective Thesis

An effective thesis is a contrary opinion that is passionate.

Car drivers being forced to give people the right away is contrary to logic.

1. It's faster to wait for a car than the other way around.
2. Driving stimulates aggression and the new McMahon Law accommodates that aggression.
3. The current law discourages defensive walking.
4. A car brakes slower than a human being.

Top Contender for Damaging Student Papers: Pronoun Agreement

About 30-40% of the students' essays for 1A and 1C showed a pattern of pronoun agreement errors. For example, here is one mistake I kept seeing:

When a person drinks fifty gallons of clam chowder, they would be wise to avoid swimming for a good half hour.

Here are some links to correct this problem:

Grammar

OWL

Harper College