Save Your Manhood Tip #19: Condiments Are Discouraged

Dear Mr. Man Points,

Recently, I had my girlfriend over at my condo, and, wanting to show her how much she means to me, I went out of my way to make her a special treat of microwave popcorn (my last package), but I had no salt.  I therefore visited my neighbor, a divorced prison guard, and I was disappointed that he did not have any salt in his kitchen either. I remember returning to my condo in a huff and telling my girlfriend, “Can you believe this guy? He doesn’t even have any salt!” Upon which she reminded me that my negligence to buy this standard table condiment was the very thing that had made me pay my neighbor a visit.

Interestingly, after being turned away from my salt request, the prison guard, who had previously kept me at a frosty distance,  now seemed to have a deeper sense of sympathy and connection with me. For there is now an understanding between us that we are two undomesticated  bums, completely oblivious of stocking one of the world’s most basic provisions and as such we are quite proud.
So I got to thinking: Is there a connection between a man keeping his cupboards bare and earning Man Points?

Congratulations, you have a made a very insightful observation and have contributed immensely to the study of Man Points. Let me explain why your observation is so accurate: As a man, you instinctively know it is not a good idea to keep salt, sugar, eggs or anything in your kitchen that would give your neighbors an excuse to come over. If a neighbor knocks on your door and asks for a pinch of salt, what’s next? Milk? Eggs? Frozen peas? Hamburger Helper? No way. It’s best to establish early on that you’re a professional bum who has nothing worth requesting in your kitchen and that even if you did have, say, a bag of frozen corn, it would be so old and freezer burned as to render it inedible. Or even more disconcerting, the frozen bag of lima beans your neighbor needs for her casserole could prove highly dubious if she is borrowing frozen beans from a man who has recently endured a painful vasectomy.

While the idea of “borrowing” food from neighbors is, by many, smiled upon as a form of “community bonding,” it creates inflated expectations for the man whose sole objective is to lower others’ expectations of him and to thereby enjoy a life of bare responsibilities.