Conversations with a Drunk Cynic, Part Three

Dennis and I were at the buffet table trying the homemade hummus, Kalamata olives, feta cheese and freshly made blue corn tortilla chips, still warm from the oven, when he pointed at an attractive red-headed women standing in a cluster of people in the living room. He explained that the woman, who had recently moved from Kansas, was a first-grade school teacher and lived in his condo complex. When she sunbathed at the pool, he espied her through his bedroom window, which overlooked the pool, and zeroed-in on her and other tanning ladies with a pair of military binoculars. His drunken confession of looking at this school teacher and other women by his poolside condo led to the following discussion: 

Dennis: If you want to know the truth, my Binocular Operations, as I call it, is the highlight of my life. It’s rather pathetic. I’m thirty-four years old and I haven’t found anything better. 

Me: Nothing? I thought you liked classical music, jazz, art, travel. 

Dennis: I love all that shit, dude, but it doesn’t match Binocular Operations. Fact of the matter is nothing comes close to matching the Evil Eye. 

Me: The what? 

Dennis: The Evil Eye. The compulsion to look, to watch in secret. It’s the biggest thrill of my life. It started in junior high school and I thought it would have worn off by now, but if anything it’s grown stronger. 

Me: Perhaps you’ll get married, have children, mature, become a valuable member of the community and this growing-up process will diminish your Evil Eye. 

Dennis: Hell no it won’t. I know guys who tried the whole married and kids thing to get rid of their Evil Eye and it didn’t work. They’re worse now because having the Evil Eye after making the plunge into domestic life affirms how hopeless you are. I can’t take that chance. 

Me: I suppose everyone has the Evil Eye to some degree. 

Dennis: But, dude, Binocular Operations, which I’ve perfected to a T, is my zenith, my high-tide. Take that away from me and I’ve got nothing. Having the Evil Eye is one thing, but living such an all-or-nothing existence scares the shit out of me. 

Me: Have you read Philip Roth? His male characters never seem to grow out of their Evil Eye phase. 

Dennis: Dude, I’ve read Roth and it just made my condition worse. Reading about characters by a best-selling author kind of glorified my condition and if anything encouraged me. 

The host put a fresh tray of warm blue tortilla chips on the buffet table. The room was now redolent with fresh corn and salt and I began to salivate. I then told Dennis food might be a safer choice for sating his appetites. Perhaps he could make food his sanctuary in which he could protect himself from the Evil Eye. Ignoring me, he bit into a tortilla chip and began to weep.

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Angelo]

I can't decide if this guy was more like Norm, or Cliff, or a combination of the two?

[Tom Welch]

Checkout the new Grundig G3 radio available in 2009: http://universal-radio.com/catalog/portable/4033.html