1. She is a svelte Nordic blonde of six feet dressed in khaki safari wear from J. Crew.
2. She drives a dark blue Range Rover.
3. She has a black belt in martial arts.
4. Her three children are state champions in gymnastics, softball, and soccer and are primed, by age nine, to go to Harvard or Yale.
5. Her parties are so lavish that they are featured in the local newspaper and inspire envy in her neighbors (that's the point).
6. She budgets $10,000 a year to hire professionals who put up Halloween and Christmas decorations so lavish that cars line up for miles to photograph her house. She pretends to hate the traffic but secretly loves the attention.
7. She is a member of the PTA, the Rotary Club, and other prominent organizations that fulfill her objective: To be feared in the community.
8. She has a PhD in psychology or an MBA but only works as a consultant for which she makes $700 an hour.
9. She doesn’t allow her children to eat anything at school or friends’ house unless she’s checked out the food to make sure it’s organic and not conducive to generating allergies and other pathogens.
10. She micromanages her children’s day from 6 A.M. until bedtime at 10 P.M. sharp so that her children have absolutely no free time. This includes monitored cell phone calls and TV watching.
11. She doesn’t so much see herself as a mother of a family as the CEO of a private company.
12. She is the queen bee of a coterie of brown-nosed sycophants and toadies who have devoted their lives to massaging her ego for the privilege of enjoying the high status that comes with associating with her.