1964, Age 3: Nursery School in Gainesville, Florida:
Discovered an intense hatred for the smell and taste of lima beans and the
smell of them cooking in the school cafeteria’s pressure cookers made me so
nauseous I had to lie down on a towel for 2 hours while decompressing.
1964, Age 3 : Projects of Gainesville, Florida:
Clobbered cockroaches scurrying on my high-chair tray and put them in my mouth
because I thought they were chocolate bars.
1964, Age 4: Nursery School, Gainesville, Florida: I
was offended when a classmate offered me a piece of Dentyne chewing gum because
the piece of gum was so small. However, I liked the cinnamon taste.
1966, Age 6, Royal Lanai Apartments, San Jose,
California: Discovered an intense hatred for peas and steamed Brussels sprouts.
1969, Age 8, A Greek deli in San Jose, California: My
father using his typical hyperbole (which I would later use) told me the
baklava was the “best dessert in the world.” I ate a piece and believed him.
1973, Age 12, Nairobi, Kenya, a Peace Corps
get-together: At the buffet table, I stumbled across a tin of smoked oysters and
believed it to be the best tasting anything I had ever eaten.
1973, Age 12, Indian restaurant in Nairobi, Kenya:
Discovered that I could eat Indian food every day for the rest of my life if
given the chance.
1974, Age 13, a suburb called Castro Valley near
Oakland, California: Developed the habit of eating an oversized bowl of cereal
every night before bedtime, a habit I did not break until the age of 46 in
2007.
1975, Age 14, Castro Valley, California: would
sometimes eat a whole box of graham crackers with peanut butter and jelly and a
half gallon of milk or a whole loaf of toasted bread with butter and honey,
also followed by a half gallon of milk and remained lean and muscular and did
not die of a spike in my hypoglycemic index.
1977, Age 16, Castro Valley, California: “Bulking up”
for bodybuilding would eat six-egg omelets with cheese every day and did not
die of a heart attack. Cholesterol today is slightly above normal and is
regulated with statins.
1980, Age 19, Castro Valley, California: At the Co-op
supermarket, I discovered carob-honey ice cream and would eat whole containers.
Since carob “died” in America, this ice cream is too difficult to track down.
1986, Age 25, Berkeley, California: Discovered Thai
food and realized I could eat it every day for the rest of my life.
1989, Age 28, Oakland, California: Replaced salsa for
ketchup as my table condiment and later learned on Seinfeld that America had made the same switch.
1989, Age 28, Oakland, California: Discovered how to
prepare pesto and realized I could eat this rich substance once or twice a week
for the rest of my life.
1992, Age 31, Bakersfield, California: Discovered while
alone in the desert in which I medicated my loneliness with food that eating
nonfat cake, ice cream, yogurt, and other snacks could make me fat.
2000, Age 39, Redondo Beach, California: My
girlfriend Carrie, now wife, was concerned about me drinking diet sodas for the
caffeine because of all the chemicals and she suggested I start drinking
coffee. So at the age of 39, I started grinding my own beans and using a French
press and to this day I drink coffee obsessively.
2007, Age 46, Torrance, California: I discovered that
chocolate cake and brownies deliver chocolate into the neurons of my brain’s
pleasure centers with more saturating intensity than chocolate bars, even
expensive chocolate bars.
2009, Age 48, Torrance, California: I discovered that
I will only eat pizza once in a while if two conditions are met: The pizza is
of premium quality (preferably slathered with pesto) and that it be paired with an icy cold pint of hand-crafted
porter.
2012, Age 51, Torrance, California: I discovered that
a modified caveman diet is the best for keeping my weight down so I can wear
34-waist pants but that I’m always one or two binges away from having to put on
my “fat man slacks.”
Bill Bush writes:
Fattest guy in the teachers' lounge always knew most about how to lose weight. He was full of advice and avoirdupois. And gained in both each year.