Herculodge

Man Points Alert: Testosterone Wavers with Cars and Competitions

I was listening to Dr. Dean Edell who cited two studies: The first is that young man who sit inside Porsche sports cars enjoy elevated testosterone while those same men who sit in 16-year-old Toyota Camry sedans suffer decreased male sex hormone. 

Another study from Duke University shows that young men who voted for John McCain suffered decreased testosterone when his loss was announced and that Obama male voters enjoyed stable levels of testosterone. 

This explains why when I drive my wife's Honda Fit, as opposed to my manly Maxima, I feel so emasculated. 

Happiness: I Surpassed My Quota of Man Points for the Day

This afternoon I snuck out of the house to take out the garbage and decided that I’d be back in the house so soon there’d be no harm in not wearing a shirt. But as I took out the garbage, on the driveway next to my side yard was Big Joe replacing the leaf spring on his boat trailer, punctuating his hard work with sips of frosty beer from a tall glass. Big Joe is about six feet five and weighs around 260. I’m a puny six flat and 230 next to him, and do not have his mechanic skills, which he exercises on his boat trailer, his Dodge Ram, his Corvette convertible and his Harley Davidson. Also, he has a doctorate in engineering and works in the aerospace industry. So when Big Joe holds court, I listen. 

So on this day two shirtless forty-something men stood in front of Big Joe’s garage (a combined weight of 490 pounds, thank you very much) while he lectured me on following Manly Talking Points:

1. If he can’t change these leaf springs on his boat trailer, he’s not a real man.
2. Why Brembo brakes are overrated.
3. Why people make a big deal over MacPherson struts (they’re just four bolts instead of two but are overpriced).
4. The difference between single beam and wishbone suspension.
5. Why tequila is superior to Nyquil for fighting a cold.

Every now and then Big Joe would stop his lecture and take a sip of beer or when an unfamiliar car passed by, the two of us would give the driver a flinty glare. 

My God, a half hour later I entered the house brimming with more Man Points than I’ve enjoyed since taking jiu-jitsu lessons from the Gracie family back in 2004. 

Man Points Rule: When Another Man Is Wearing Your Shirt at the Night Club, It's Time to Defend Your Territory

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I’m at the club and I’m feeling good in my hundred-dollar silk print shirt when suddenly I see this other dude wearing the same shirt that I’m wearing. Am I going to lose Man Points?

Dear Reader,

The short answer is, yes, you’re going to lose Man Points for a host of reasons, not the least of which is that the lovely ladies in the club will assume you buy your clothes at those ubiquitous discount stores that are trying to get rid of their crappy surplus resulting in a glut of these lame shirts hanging on the backs of shoppers with common tastes.  You will be tagged as the idiot who buys “bargains” without any concern for individuality. But there is a worse scenario here. Both you and your same-shirt-wearing wannabe doppelganger will be inevitably mocked as the “Bobbsey Twins,” which, let’s be honest, doesn’t exactly have a masculine air about it. In other words, wearing the same shirt as some other dude will have a castrating effect and counteractive measures will have to be taken immediately. The first I propose is to stand close to the guy who we will assume does not possess your formidable build. As you stand by his side, people will see that you, by virtue of your diligent combat conditioning, look far superior in the shirt. The way it drapes your muscles—your broad, rangy shoulders and striated pecs—will compel the other club attendees to conclude that only you should be wearing the shirt and they will scoff at the concave-chested impostor who is wearing what is yours and yours alone. If the impostor has any dignity at this point, he will go home immediately and never show his face at the club again. However, if he is stubborn and impervious to the fact that he has been eclipsed by an Alpha Male, you may have to challenge him to an arm wrestle, making it clear that the victor will stay at the club while the loser will have to find some other venue for his weekend entertainment. In either case, you will gain Man Points for taking action and not just passively allowing some pencil-neck geek to insult your very existence by wearingyour shirt with impunity. 

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I’m at the club and I’m feeling good in my hundred-dollar silk print shirt when suddenly I see this other dude wearing the same shirt that I’m wearing. Am I going to lose Man Points?

Dear Reader,

The short answer is, yes, you’re going to lose Man Points for a host of reasons, not the least of which is that the lovely ladies in the club will assume you buy your clothes at those ubiquitous discount stores that are trying to get rid of their crappy surplus resulting in a glut of these lame shirts hanging on the backs of shoppers with common tastes.  You will be tagged as the idiot who buys “bargains” without any concern for individuality. But there is a worse scenario here. Both you and your same-shirt-wearing wannabe doppelganger will be inevitably mocked as the “Bobbsey Twins,” which, let’s be honest, doesn’t exactly have a masculine air about it. In other words, wearing the same shirt as some other dude will have a castrating effect and counteractive measures will have to be taken immediately. The first I propose is to stand close to the guy who we will assume does not possess your formidable build. As you stand by his side, people will see that you, by virtue of your diligent combat conditioning, look far superior in the shirt. The way it drapes your muscles—your broad, rangy shoulders and striated pecs—will compel the other club attendees to conclude that only you should be wearing the shirt and they will scoff at the concave-chested impostor who is wearing what is yours and yours alone. If the impostor has any dignity at this point, he will go home immediately and never show his face at the club again. However, if he is stubborn and impervious to the fact that he has been eclipsed by an Alpha Male, you may have to challenge him to an arm wrestle, making it clear that the victor will stay at the club while the loser will have to find some other venue for his weekend entertainment. In either case, you will gain Man Points for taking action and not just passively allowing some pencil-neck geek to insult your very existence by wearingyour shirt with impunity. 

Man Points Rule: Adding Cargo Pockets to Your Kilt Does Not Make It Manly

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I'm a college student and I've witnessed the most odious trend on my campus up here in Humboldt: Guys are wearing utilikilts all over my damn school.

For a group of supposedly communist hippie students, they sure can afford to dump a bunch of cash on ridiculously over-priced kilts (though I admit, they may be gifts from their money-grubbing, capitalist parents).

Let's ignore the American cultural appropriation of Scottish heritage and fashion for the moment and consider the implications of wearing a kilt in modern-day America.

Manly? Unmanly? Another ridiculous fashion trend that will go the way of dayglo (which, speaking of inane things, seems to be coming back)?  For additional bonus points, try to do it WITHOUT mentioning the fact that in the eyes of contemporary America, utilikilts are really just skirts w/ cargo pockets.

Dear Reader:

The utilikilt strikes me as an affectation donned by privileged white college-age males (these kilts are probably featured on the website Stuff White People Like) who want to look folksy, rugged, and enlightened. Their arrogant belief that their utilikilt makes them experts on the Pastoral Myth, Eden, the authenticity because they are consumers of a fashion trend compels me to strip them of all their Man Points.

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I'm a college student and I've witnessed the most odious trend on my campus up here in Humboldt: Guys are wearing utilikilts all over my damn school.

For a group of supposedly communist hippie students, they sure can afford to dump a bunch of cash on ridiculously over-priced kilts (though I admit, they may be gifts from their money-grubbing, capitalist parents).

Let's ignore the American cultural appropriation of Scottish heritage and fashion for the moment and consider the implications of wearing a kilt in modern-day America.

Manly? Unmanly? Another ridiculous fashion trend that will go the way of dayglo (which, speaking of inane things, seems to be coming back)?  For additional bonus points, try to do it WITHOUT mentioning the fact that in the eyes of contemporary America, utilikilts are really just skirts w/ cargo pockets.

Dear Reader:

The utilikilt strikes me as an affectation donned by privileged white college-age males (these kilts are probably featured on the website Stuff White People Like) who want to look folksy, rugged, and enlightened. Their arrogant belief that their utilikilt makes them experts on the Pastoral Myth, Eden, the authenticity because they are consumers of a fashion trend compels me to strip them of all their Man Points.

Man Points Rule: Loving Your Girlfriend Means Never Being Embarrassed to Show It

 

I was standing before one of the urinals at my gym when to my disbelief I heard in the partitioned stall behind me a man who sounded very much like the baritone Barry White engaging in an intimate cell phone conversation. Sitting with his pants coiled around his ankles in the miasma of a malodorous bathroom stall, he was telling his girlfriend how much he missed her and how he couldn’t wait to see her that evening. He promised her there would be scented candles, champagne, chocolate, hot-oil massage, and other unspeakable ecstasies. I was shocked to hear some dude using the crapper while purring lubricious intimacies into his girlfriend’s ear. But then I began to admire him as someone championing Man Points. First of all, it took some serious balls for him to call his girlfriend from the crapper, inside a health club of all places. Second, it could be argued that his devil-may-care attitude regarding what I or anyone else thought of his private conversation gavehim Man Points. Third of all, his ability to multi-task—workout, crap, take care of girlfriend business—all in one trip to the health club was a sign of effective time management, which, some might argue, resulted in even more Man Points. Men, we have learned a valuable lesson from this silk-tongued gentleman: Make time for your lover no matter how adverse the conditions.

 

I was standing before one of the urinals at my gym when to my disbelief I heard in the partitioned stall behind me a man who sounded very much like the baritone Barry White engaging in an intimate cell phone conversation. Sitting with his pants coiled around his ankles in the miasma of a malodorous bathroom stall, he was telling his girlfriend how much he missed her and how he couldn’t wait to see her that evening. He promised her there would be scented candles, champagne, chocolate, hot-oil massage, and other unspeakable ecstasies. I was shocked to hear some dude using the crapper while purring lubricious intimacies into his girlfriend’s ear. But then I began to admire him as someone championing Man Points. First of all, it took some serious balls for him to call his girlfriend from the crapper, inside a health club of all places. Second, it could be argued that his devil-may-care attitude regarding what I or anyone else thought of his private conversation gavehim Man Points. Third of all, his ability to multi-task—workout, crap, take care of girlfriend business—all in one trip to the health club was a sign of effective time management, which, some might argue, resulted in even more Man Points. Men, we have learned a valuable lesson from this silk-tongued gentleman: Make time for your lover no matter how adverse the conditions.

Man Points Rule: Loving Your Girlfriend Means Never Being Embarrassed to Show It

 

I was standing before one of the urinals at my gym when to my disbelief I heard in the partitioned stall behind me a man who sounded very much like the baritone Barry White engaging in an intimate cell phone conversation. Sitting with his pants coiled around his ankles in the miasma of a malodorous bathroom stall, he was telling his girlfriend how much he missed her and how he couldn’t wait to see her that evening. He promised her there would be scented candles, champagne, chocolate, hot-oil massage, and other unspeakable ecstasies. 

I was shocked to hear some dude using the crapper while purring lubricious intimacies into his girlfriend’s ear. But then I began to admire him as someone championing Man Points. First of all, it took some serious balls for him to call his girlfriend from the crapper, inside a health club of all places. Second, it could be argued that his devil-may-care attitude regarding what I or anyone else thought of his private conversation gave him Man Points. Third of all, his ability to multi-task—workout, crap, take care of girlfriend business—all in one trip to the health club was a sign of effective time management, which, some might argue, resulted in even more Man Points. Men, we have learned a valuable lesson from this silk-tongued gentleman: Make time for your lover no matter how adverse the conditions.

 

 

I was standing before one of the urinals at my gym when to my disbelief I heard in the partitioned stall behind me a man who sounded very much like the baritone Barry White engaging in an intimate cell phone conversation. Sitting with his pants coiled around his ankles in the miasma of a malodorous bathroom stall, he was telling his girlfriend how much he missed her and how he couldn’t wait to see her that evening. He promised her there would be scented candles, champagne, chocolate, hot-oil massage, and other unspeakable ecstasies. 

I was shocked to hear some dude using the crapper while purring lubricious intimacies into his girlfriend’s ear. But then I began to admire him as someone championing Man Points. First of all, it took some serious balls for him to call his girlfriend from the crapper, inside a health club of all places. Second, it could be argued that his devil-may-care attitude regarding what I or anyone else thought of his private conversation gave him Man Points. Third of all, his ability to multi-task—workout, crap, take care of girlfriend business—all in one trip to the health club was a sign of effective time management, which, some might argue, resulted in even more Man Points. Men, we have learned a valuable lesson from this silk-tongued gentleman: Make time for your lover no matter how adverse the conditions.

 

Man Points Rule: Don't Let the Underdog Man-Handle You

The Los Angeles Lakers are playing scared, getting man-handled by the underdog Denver Nuggets. Kobe is playing with manliness, but where are is teammates who look lost and can't muster any toughness or intensity?

Man Points Rule: Never Let Yourself Become Captain-Save-A-Babe

Dear Mr. Man Points,

My buddies have started mocking me by calling me Captain Save-a-Babe on account of the fact that I cannot get myself a truly beautiful woman unless she is the helpless, self-destructive sort who needs to be rescued. For many years now I’ve assumed the role of caped crusader who “saves” beautiful women from their bad spending habits, their credit card debts, and their stalking ex-boyfriends.  I provide them shelter when they are on the run or in financial trouble. I perform around-the-clock home repairs free of charge, and I do grocery shopping when their cupboards are bare. I have also been known to stave off a crowd at rock concerts when a beautiful woman is having an asthma attack or is just plain “freaked out” by the thousands of people closing in on her. Here’s my dilemma: I know that playing the role of Captain Save-a-Babe is a Man Points infraction in general, but my case is a little different. You see, I am, by all accounts, not particularly good looking. Therefore, I cannot date a beautiful woman unless she’s the type who needs to be rescued. So, yes, I lose Man Points for allowing these needy types of women to use me, but at the same time I’m going out with women far more beautiful than I could ever go out with under normal circumstances. Doesn’t this gain me Man Points?

Dear Reader,

I will have to strip you of all your Man Points, not only because you allow yourself to be used and abused by emotionally-arrested women but for your stupid assumption that men lacking in the looks department have to betray the Male Code by performing lame “rescue missions.”  It is well known that any man can improve upon his looks with vigorous diet and exercise and that he can become a Sex Magnet by cultivating a brassy attitude, entrepreneurial savvy and a sense of humor. I must take away even more Man Points, if you still have any left to take away, because you fail to understand a basic principle of human psychology, namely, that these women your rescue are apt to bite the hand that feeds them. Knowing they have neither the will nor the resources to reciprocate your supposed kindness and not trusting your ulterior motives, these women will inevitably disdain you in favor of the predatory, parasitic male lout who creates the very problems you try so hard to remedy. You are so lacking in Man Points that even when you realize that the woman has chosen the lout over you and that she actually prefers to suffer at the hands of this cruel sociopath, you still try to keep your firm grip on her. Sadly, you are so full of yourself for playing the hero and the martyr that you are doomed to repeat the same stupid behavior with other self-destructive women over and over again. I therefore exile you to Man Points Purgatory where, I can only hope, you will learn to disavow yourself of your Captain Save-a-Babe persona and someday join the ranks of Real Men. 

Man Points Rule: Make Sure Your Date Can Pass the Salman Rushdie Test

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I consider myself an intellectual. I’m well-read, I graduated cum laude from a top-tier college, and I am currently enjoying steady promotions at work. Therefore, when it comes to dating I have resorted to a certain test to filter out those woman whose lack of smarts disqualifies them from being my girlfriend. What I do on a first date is throw out Salman Rushdie’s name to see if the woman knows who he is. If she looks at me helplessly as if to say, “Who in the hell is Salman Rushdie?” I feel I have ample reason to walk out of the restaurant. After all, it only requires a small amount of intelligence and awareness to know that Salman Rushdie had to live in hiding for many years when in 1989 Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa against him for the alleged “blasphemies” in his novel The Satanic Verses. How could she possibly not know about the fatwa against Rushdie? Does she not read the newspapers and listen to the news? And if she is ignorant about one prominent news story, can I not reasonably infer that she is woefully ignorant about other basic matters as well? In fact, the more I think about it, her not knowing who Salman Rushdie is strains my credulity to the point that I can not focus on the dinner and I must terminate the date immediately.  I have been using the Salman Rushdie Test for over a year now and I thought it was doing me a good service until recently my buddies started making fun of me, accusing me of being a wussy for asserting a standard that has repelled dozens of babes. They say I’m losing Man Points. But I say keeping the dummies away earns me Man Points. Who’s right, me or my male compatriots?

Without a doubt, I must take sides with your friends and join them in saying emphatically that you are losing Man Points, not just for your incredibly lame “Salman Rushdie Test” but for the fact that you began your inquiry by defining yourself as “an intellectual.”  Real men know that street smarts, not book smarts, is the ticket to Man Points and therefore I am compelled to subtract further Man Points from your already woefully low Man Points Ranking. As for your “Salman Rushdie Test,” it is incredibly stupid for many reasons. First, pseudo-intellectuals, like yourself, throw Salman Rushdie’s name around all the time but when questioned closely, it is revealed that they have never actually read any of his novels, resulting in an even greater loss of Man Points. I will assume that you, too, have never read any of his books while at the same time you like to pretend you are some sort of expert of his lofty literary musings.

Dear Reader,

Regarding your need to give your first dates some sort of test, I actually agree with you in principle, but disagree in method. What you must do is use a more manly approach. I suggest you implement the Billy Martin Test. If your date knows that Billy Martin was the volatile, scrappy manager who got fired from several baseball teams, you better be willing to pay for the entire meal, including appetizers, dessert, wine, and espresso. Better yet, if the woman knows that Billy Martin was killed in an alcohol-related car accident on Christmas Day at the age of sixty-one, she gets a second date for sure. Even better, if she knows that Billy Martin was in a much publicized fistfight with a Minnesota marshmallow salesman named Joseph Cooper, which resulted in Cooper needing fifteen stitches, you had better take out a 14-carat gold engagement ring and ask her to marry you right there, for you will know with the utmost assurance that you’ve just unearthed a rare and precious sports-loving treasure of a wife who will complement your Man Points quest forever and ever. 

Man Points Rule: When Another Man Is Wearing Your Shirt at the Night Club, It's Time to Defend Your Territory

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I’m at the club and I’m feeling good in my hundred-dollar silk print shirt when suddenly I see this other dude wearing the same shirt that I’m wearing. Am I going to lose Man Points?

Dear Reader,

The short answer is, yes, you’re going to lose Man Points for a host of reasons, not the least of which is that the lovely ladies in the club will assume you buy your clothes at those ubiquitous discount stores that are trying to get rid of their crappy surplus resulting in a glut of these lame shirts hanging on the backs of shoppers with common tastes.  You will be tagged as the idiot who buys “bargains” without any concern for individuality. But there is a worse scenario here. Both you and your same-shirt-wearing wannabe doppelganger will be inevitably mocked as the “Bobbsey Twins,” which, let’s be honest, doesn’t exactly have a masculine air about it. In other words, wearing the same shirt as some other dude will have a castrating effect and counteractive measures will have to be taken immediately. The first I propose is to stand close to the guy who we will assume does not possess your formidable build. As you stand by his side, people will see that you, by virtue of your diligent combat conditioning, look far superior in the shirt. The way it drapes your muscles—your broad, rangy shoulders and striated pecs—will compel the other club attendees to conclude that only you should be wearing the shirt and they will scoff at the concave-chested impostor who is wearing what is yours and yours alone. If the impostor has any dignity at this point, he will go home immediately and never show his face at the club again. However, if he is stubborn and impervious to the fact that he has been eclipsed by an Alpha Male, you may have to challenge him to an arm wrestle, making it clear that the victor will stay at the club while the loser will have to find some other venue for his weekend entertainment. In either case, you will gain Man Points for taking action and not just passively allowing some pencil-neck geek to insult your very existence by wearing your shirt with impunity.