1C Class Notes: The 15 Stupid Reasons People Get Married

 1.    You see all your buddies getting married and you feel left out, like you’re standing on a sliver of ice as it drifts out to sea.
2.    You see your brothers and sisters getting thousands of dollars in wedding gifts, not to mention inheritances for blessing their parents with grandchildren, and you feel you better “get with the program” lest you lose out on the family money pot.
3.    Crow feet around your eyes and other signs of ageing compel you to find a mate before you lose all your mojo.
4.    To prove everyone wrong for accusing you of being “too immature to get married.” Even though you really are too immature, you marry with an “I’ll prove those bastards wrong!” attitude.
5.    To gain credibility and that long-awaited promotion at work since your boss never took you seriously when you were single.
6.    To break-up. Sounds crazy but this is common. Couples who break-up and get back together over and over and over finally decide to get married so they can get a divorce and get “official closure” on their tormented hellish relationship.
7.    You “go with the flow” because all your family and friends say you’ve found such a great spouse even though you feel nothing but doubt and emptiness in your heat.
8.    For you marriage is The Final Bastion of the Scoundrel. You’ve alienated every other possible mate on the planet with your despicable behavior and realize your current mate is the final person on Planet Earth who will accept you as you are. In this manner marriage is a sort of Witness Protection Program where you hide from all the people you pissed off when you were dating.
9.    Marriage gives you an excuse not to hang out anymore with your emotionally-stunted troglodyte high school buddies.
10.    You’re a moocher who’s found a spouse while you go back to college, change your major seven times and “find yourself” when in truth you’re merely a Professional Bum and an Unctuous Charlatan looking for a free ride.
11.    You marry because you can’t afford a house on a single income so you end up marrying a platonic friend, someone you’ve known for several years even though there’s never been even the slightest romantic vapor to stimulate you in the direction of nuptial union. The two of you become loveless DINKS, double income, no kids.
12.    You marry because you know you’re a helpless incompetent who can’t figure out simple things like folding towels, making the bed with contoured sheets, managing your finances, paying your bills on time, etc.
13.    You marry an ex-girlfriend who got back with you, not because she really loves you, but because she pities you for becoming a fat, helpless drunk in her absence. In this manner, she marries you because she feels empowered by “resurrecting” a former dead boyfriend.
14.    You marry because you are burdened by the adolescent delusion that marriage is a Big Goody Box from which you will take goodies to sate your wanton appetites.
15.    You marry someone because your marriage convinces the public that you’ve found happiness when in fact your marriage is a sham consisting of a series of Chanel No. 5 Moments, staged events that make you look superior to the world when in fact you live a life of utter misery and decrepitude.