Peer Edit for English 1A Final Essay (First Draft)
First Page
- Do you have a salient, distinctive title that is relevant to your topic and thesis?
- Do you have your name, instructor’s name, the course, and date (in that order) at the top left?
Format
- Are you using 12-point font with Times New Roman?
- Are your lines double-spaced?
- Is your font color black?
- Do you make sure there are no extra spaces between paragraphs (some students erroneously use 4 spaces between paragraphs)
- Do you use 1-inch margins?
- Do you use block format for quotes of 4 or more lines in which you indent another inch from the left margin?
Introduction
- Does your introduction have a compelling hook using an anecdote, a troubling current event, a startling statistic, etc.?
- Do you avoid pat phrases or clichés? For example, “In today’s society . . .” or “In today’s modern world . . .” or “Since the Dawn of Man . . .”
Thesis
- Do you have a thesis that articulates your main purpose in clear, specific language?
- Is your thesis sophisticated in that it makes an assertion that goes beyond the obvious and self-evident?
- Is your thesis debatable?
- Do you address your opponents with a concession clause? (While opponents of my proposal to raise the minimum wage to $22 an hour make some compelling points, their argument collapses when we consider _____________, _______________, __________________, and ________________. )
- Does your thesis have explicit or implicit mapping components that outline the body paragraphs of your essay?
General Questions from Your Reader
One. What’s most compelling about the essay so far?
Two. What is most needed for improvement so far?
Three. Something I would like the writer to explain more is . . .
Four. One last comment would be . . .
Your In-Class Writing Exam
Develop a thesis that explains how "The Quagmire of Social Media Friendships" by Curtis Silver complements Sherry Turkle's "The Flight from Conversation."
Avoid the Thesis Summary Trap
You can fall into a trap of summarizing the author’s points when you are in agreement with the author.
Here’s an example of a Summary Trap Thesis:
While her argument is not without flaws, Sherry Turkle persuasively demonstrates that social media is resulting in superficial connections, loss of empathy, narcissism, and constant-attention anxiety.
By supporting the mapping components above, you’re simply summarizing Turkle’s essay and/or Ted Talk.
The solution is to emphasize a defense of the author by refuting her opponents.
Here’s an example of a Refutation Thesis:
While her argument is not without flaws especially her failure to complicate her narrative with examples of people flourishing in their social media connections, Sherry Turkle’s warning about the human degradation resulting from the misuse of social media remains convincing in the face of her opponents’ objections, including the charge that we don’t have enough long-term data to support her claims; Turkle posits an over simplistic either/or fallacy with her conversation-connection paradigm; and Turkle’s social media critique is a thinly-veiled diatribe against Millennials.
Final Essay
The essays in Chapter 6 address the alleged pathologies resulting from social media. These pathologies include an empathy deficit, narcissism, shortened attention span, online shaming, and even altered brain development.
In an argumentative essay, support, refute, or complicate the assertion that social media is harmful for our social, cultural and intellectual development. Be sure to address at least two essays from Chapter 6. One of the essays can be used as a source. You will need at least 4 other sources for a total of 5 sources.
Here are some thesis attempts:
Thesis 1
While I’ll concede that there are mindless consumers of social media who evidence the pathologies described by Sherry Turkle, her overall argument that society as a whole is replacing the full humanity of conversation for dehumanized connections is overstated when we consider that many of us are productively harnessing these technologies after an initial addiction phase, that many of us can embrace these technological connections without losing our conversational relationships (yes, we can chew gum and walk at the same time, Turkle), and that Sturgeon’s Law (90% of everything is crap) does not justify throwing away the “baby with the bathwater.”
Thesis 2
I am willing to concede that many of us can adapt to the gadgets that entice us into the world of social media. I will further concede that many of us can connect and converse simultaneously. However, let us not fool ourselves by minimizing the damage brought on by the juggernaut of social media. Let us instead take a close look at Turkle’s argument, that even mature, healthy-minded consumers of social media are being seduced into cheap connections that are degrading their empathy, friendships, self-reflection, solitude, and meaningful connections. Turkle’s argument holds up to the scrutiny of empirical evidence, rigorous research, sound logic, and keen psychological insight and encourages us to approach our gadgets with healthy moderation.
Thesis 3
The problem with addressing Turkle’s argument is that different age groups tend to react differently to social media. While most adults adapt to social media and eventually find a balance between superficial connections and deep conversation, youngsters and teenagers are the most vulnerable to the pathologies that result from social media addiction. Young people mired in social media are afflicted with the disease of fame, empathy loss, and mass shaming.
Thesis 4
We’ve always had mindless consumers, addicts, social degenerates, depressives, narcissists, dysfunctional solipsists, and the like. To use them as a reason to be weary of social media is a fallacy evident in Turkle’s argument, which is sodden with exaggeration, generational hostility toward Millennials, and oversimplifications.
Thesis 5
Through empirical research, cogent psychological insight, lucid logic, and compelling anecdotage, Turkle convincingly demonstrates that social media does not merely dehumanize society’s socially dysfunctional outliers but degrades even the best of us.
Thesis 6
Those who are quick to dismiss Turkle’s warning that we are becoming a culture of connectors, not real talkers, fail to grasp the underlying psychology that supports Turkle’s claim. The underlying psychology pertains to our default setting for the path of least resistance, our maladaptation for superficial online friendships, or what I call “low-hanging fruit,” and the economic and time demands that encourage us even further to be seduced by social media’s counterfeit, dehumanizing, time-saving friendships.
Thesis 7
It chafes me to see McMahon brainwash his students with the Sherry Turkle Kool-Aid, especially since my teacher is so egregiously misguided on this topic. For one, McMahon fails to see that while social media results in a certain amount of loneliness, depression, and narcissism, it's better than not having social media at all. Economic necessity and time limits push us into our social media as the communication of “last resort.” For another thing, McMahon, you or Sherry Turkle notwithstanding, the technology isn’t going to go away or to abate. To forego our gadgets would be to withdraw even deeper into the loneliness ecosphere and become social pariahs. The third thing that collapses your argument, McMahon, is that you fail to see that most of us since our infancy have been deprived of the interactive and linguistic skills to have the kind of conversations you and Turkle wish us to have. We are simply doing the best we can with the tools provided us. We are not, as Turkle is, privileged to enter some superior world of conversation. Finally, you need to face the fact that sometimes in life we take what we can get, even compromised, inferior versions of communication. If you and Turkle want to ride your little intellectual bromance and scold society for not living up to your conversational expectations, that’s on you. But I can tell you, most of us are contentedly acclimated to the social media gadgets we have and the limited communications that result from them. Don’t take away what little joys we have, and please mind your own business. Just a final reminder, McMahon: You promised not to give a bad grade to students who disagree with you, even someone who opposes you with the vehemence you see here. Here’s your chance for fairness, McMahon. Are you with me?
Thesis 8
The student who so vociferously objects to McMahon’s claim that social media results in social pathologies is profoundly misguided. To say that we should settle for compromised forms of social media connection is, contrary to McMahon’s high expectations for us, a form of self-debasement that makes McMahon cringe with sorrow and despair. Secondly, the student’s shrill and alarmist notion that fully realized conversation is a pastime reserved only for the privileged bourgeois is a fallacious argument disconnected from the empirical evidence that shows that since the beginning of time people of all economic stratums have been able to converse with detailed authenticity and meaningful connection. This acrimonious, unreasonable student is throwing a class-warfare canard at McMahon, and this student’s canard has hit the ground with a lame thud. Finally, McMahon’s argument is not, as the ill-advised student would have us believe, based on a “bromance” with Sherry Turkle; rather, McMahon wants his students to exercise moderation, prudence, and mindfulness in their social media activities so that they can cultivate the meaningful conversations they deserve.
"Stop Googling, Let's Talk" by Sherry Turkle
"The Touch-Screen Generation" by Hanna Rosin
One. What is dangerous about being able to access stimulation at the swipe of a finger?
The sense of entitlement, impatience, and delusional omnipotence (resulting in fussiness) could point to a transformation into a brat generation.
Another danger is parent laziness syndrome. "Give them the iPad. That'll shut 'em up."
What really speaks to the danger of screen time is that the very apps developers Rosin talks to limit their own children's screen time. Some allow for no screen time.
Two. What is the technological neurosis of our digital age?
We read, "By their pinched reactions, these parents illuminated for me the neurosis of our age: as technology becomes ubiquitous in our lives, American parents are becoming more, not less, wary of what it might be doing to their children."
Parents want their children to master technology. However, they don't want their children to be anti-social: "Otherwise, their child could end up one of those sad, pale creatures who can't make eye contact and has an avatar for a girlfriend."
Part of the fear lies in the unknown. The iPad is so new as of Rosin's essay (published in 2013) that there is not yet any research on its effects on a child's brain.
The new generation are "digital natives"; they grow up fluent in the language of computers, tablets and other devices.
The tablet is a "rattle on steroids," easy to use and quickly sucks the toddler into its world.
Parents are terrified by the transformation they see in their children: "the zombie effect." They go into a trance.
Three. What counterarguments would opponents offer to those who are opposed to iPads?
For one, "Every new medium has, within a short time of its introduction, been condemned as a threat to young people. Pulp novels . . . TV . . ."
For two, if your child has an addictive personality, he may glom onto anything, if not the iPad.
For three, there is evidence that the iPad is an effective educational tool.
For four, too many parents treat the iPad like "junk food," using it "for passing the time in a frivolous way . . ." and the children "will fully absorb that attitude, and the neurosis will be passed to the next generation to the next generation." In other words, the parents, not the iPad, are at fault.
For five, more and more research is showing that iPads are effective tools for helping autistic children.
See Facebook Validation essay.
And Seeking Validation.
Narcissism Linked to Frequent Facebook and Twitter Use
Does Facebook Promote Narcissism?
Does Facebook and Other Social Media Encourage Narcissism?
Does Facebook Turn People Into Narcissists?
More and more young people are only “speaking” online at the exclusion of everything else. As a result, we are becoming more disconnected and more lonely.
See Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?
Social Networking: Failure to Connect
Social Media Decreases Loneliness
Most Common Error Last Essay: Pronoun Shifts and Agreement
We suffer learned helplessness when you feel like everything you do is a failure. A person suffering from helplessness will often have delusions that destroy all their efforts. When one feels helpless, we must exercise the Third Eye so you can see your problems from an objective distance. When a person has the Third Eye, they are able to develop strategies to transcend their sense of recurring futility. Therefore, you can free oneself from your dilemma and helps others with this form of self-empowerment. Let us all take notice, then, that one should cultivate a sense of free-will so we can overcome these crises.
Faulty Pronoun Error Reference
Different Types of Pronoun Errors
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