Guy Delusion: I’m just being a dog until the right girl comes along.

So many guys talk about their out-of-control sexual promiscuity as if it’s an essential phase they must go through until they fall in love with the “right one.” They spend all their young adult life lying, cheating, and carousing with “short-term girls” who they believe are just “stepping stones” until they find the Love of Their Dreams. At this point they believe they can, at the drop of a hat, “find religion” and change their ghastly ways. Falling in love is so powerful, these deluded morons believe, they can instantly change into the Aspiring Husband Man whose wholesome moral bearing will impress the Good Girl they have fallen in love with.

In truth, the residual scum leftover from their sleazy bed-hopping will come to haunt them. As they date their True Love and try to impress her with the fact that they have “turned a new leaf,” they will find several insurmountable challenges. The first challenge will be the litany of scorned lovers who will continue to haunt them, calling their cell phone at all hours and leaving hostile messages. Some of these scorned women will even come to the apartment unannounced and make scenes, screaming at the top of their lungs, throwing “friendship” rings at their ex, and giving the new girl an ear full of the guy’s back-stabbing behavior. Additionally, Aspiring Husband Man and his True Love are also likely to get their cars keyed by these rejected “short-term” girls.

Miss True Love won’t take these violent scenes kindly. She will see the man she is dating for who he really is, a loser who has conditioned himself to use people, and if she has any self-respect she will at this point leave him.

But let’s just say for the sake of argument that Miss True Love still hangs around. After a month or so, the Aspiring Husband Man will encounter a new problem. Because he has never committed to a woman to the point of achieving any kind of mature intimacy, he will, as he realizes he has “conquered” Miss True Love, begin to have a lower esteem of her and as her stature diminishes, he will have grave doubts about her. Perhaps, he will think to himself, she is not as great as he has led himself to believe. Perhaps, he fears, that a “committed relationship” will force him to compromise and to surrender a certain amount of control that he didn’t have to give up when he conquered girls freely and happily. Even worse, perhaps he isn’t “up to the task” of being faithful as he had promised Miss True Love on so many occasions. Now he finds that his Past Dog Life has come to haunt him for he realizes that he hasn’t really “cured” himself of his Inner Dog, that in fact, all those years of bed-hopping have reinforced vile character habits that are not so easy to change.

Since changing his ways proves to be difficult and since overcoming difficulty is not his specialty, it is likely that Aspiring Husband Man will start to get a hankering for his past when “life was simpler and easier.” This is the critical juncture when he usually calls things off. By this point, he has probably already met Miss True Love’s parents, he has probably already brought up marriage, he has probably even done some house hunting with the lady of his dreams, but alas his love for his former life is too great so that the slimy tentacles of his Dog Past pull him back into the Bottomless Pit and confirm that he has reached the point that he is beyond redemption and as such will never be real husband material.

Comments

[gerald johnson]

jeff, at the risk of sounding a little duchebaggy,, i must point out that youve got navel spelled wrong. youre writing is masterfull and I quite enjoy your musings!! thanks!

[Jeff McMahon]

I appreciate you pointing out the error. I just can't find what post I spelled naval incorrectly. As soon as I find it, I'll correct it. Thanks.