Herculodge

Save Your Manhood Tip #24: Men and Underwear Don't Mix

Dear Mr. Man Points,

My roommates tease me because I’m constantly changing my underwear, sometimes three times a day. I’ve explained to them that frequent changes are a good way to avoid ball sweat, jock rot, and general unpleasant smelliness, but they say all my underwear changing is resulting in the loss of Man Points. Who’s right?

Your roommates are correct in detecting an absence of manliness in your obsessive-compulsive underwear changing. Yes, you should change your underwear, but not as often as you seem to believe. While your underwear is indeed your most intimate garment and you want to keep your privates as clean and powdery dry as possible, your trice daily underwear changes are both excessive and unnecessary, and I dare say a bit neurotic. What then is a reasonable underwear-changing frequency? I’d say that for Confident Man every other day makes good sense because then you’re doing only half the laundry; plus you only have to stock half the underwear of your average underwear-hoarding ignoramus. Now I suspect you probably chafe at the thought of wearing underwear two successive days, but it’s not really that bad when you take into account a little “trick” I’ve developed. What you do is you turn your underwear inside out on the second day so that, for all practical purposes, you’re really wearing a fresh pair of underwear on a daily basis. Yes, the brainwashed masses would cringe if they knew you were wearing the same pair of underwear two days in a row, but it’s not like they have to know. It’s not like you’re wearing a Scottish kilt or a mini skirt or anything. So just relax and enjoy the wellbeing and self-satisfaction that comes from knowing that you’re a liberated man who doesn’t get duped by all of society’s intrusive and completely irrational conventions. Acclimating to my every-other-day underwear routine is your first step to Full Manly Liberation in which gradually you will be able to wear no underwear at all. For it is well established among Men In The Know that free-ballin’ maximizes Man Points.

Save Your Manhood Tip #23: The Importance of Conspicuous Consumption

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I live in Los Angeles where the women are very health-conscious. The women at work for example bring their own lunches, sprout and avocado sandwiches, low-fat cheese, sugarless yogurt sweetened with fresh mango and papaya. Wanting to start a conversation with these attractive ladies, I started bringing similarly prepared lunches, but they still ignore me. Part of my problem is that I am shy. You see, I have spent my whole life working on building a great body, but I forgot to cultivate personality skills. Do you have any advice?

The first thing you must do is let the babes know that you are fueling your body with the highest grade ingredients on the market. Because you’re shy, I recommend some visual aids. You can start by purchasing really huge vitamin pills. The outer coating should be smooth and chalky, a big tabula rasa, so you can write on them with a black Sharpie. Then in as neat handwriting as possible, spell the words “BULL TESTOSTERONE,” “GONAD EXTRACT,” “ESSENCE OF GORILLA SCROTUM,” and “VIAGRA X 1,000.” Then during lunch at the office when the ladies are nearby, take out the oversized vitamin capsules and carefully place them on the edge of your desk so your female co-workers can get a good look at them. These oversized vitamins make good conversation starters because now the ladies want to know what kind of “program” you’re on. Now you’re in a good position to tell them about your high-protein diet, your gym workout, and all the supplements you’ve been taking to make you a lean mean fighting machine.
Regarding your crappy personality, I’m afraid you are using that as an excuse for your cowardice and I must deduct Man Points. On the other hand, if you use my plan and it catapults you into a spicy office relationship, I will consider giving you your Man Points back. 

Save Your Manhood Tip #22: Not All Sport Drinks Are Equal

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I’m always looking for something to boost my performance in the gym. My question is this: Is it manly to buy “sport drinks” or am I just a chump being manipulated by shrewd marketers?

Not all sport drinks were created equal. Some are more manly than others. You’ll want to avoid girlie drinks containing fruit punch, pumpkin spice, and daiquiri flavors. Instead, you’ll want to focus on those virility cocktails that point to man’s Apex Predator Fantasies—Pinnacle, Attack, Formadrol,  Higher Power, Universal Animal, PrimaForce, Beast Sports Nutrition, Goliath Labs Ejaculoid, and Horny Goat Weed, to name a few. These brand names advertise your earnest intentions to transform yourself into a Hairy Muscle-Plated Satyr.  If these products give you the psychological edge to work out like a crazy man and thus achieve your goal, then you shall earn Man Points. But if you’re just a poser, consuming these beverages while working out like a wussy or, worse, you drink these high-octane beverages while watching Rachel Ray perform a “Thirty-Minute Meal,” then all your Man Points shall be lost.

Save Your Manhood Tip #21: Super Bowl Party Food Can Never Be Too Hot

Dear Mr. Man Points,

For this year’s Super Bowl, I’ve been assigned to bring chili to my buddy’s house, which will be inhabited by dozens of brawny men, veterans of football watching, and connoisseurs of football food—Buffalo wings with blue cheese chip, chile con queso, nachos, shredded barbecue beef on hamburger buns, ribs, seven-layer bean dip, guacamole, jalapeno poppers stuffed with cheddar cheese. I’m a bit intimidated by the assignment because if my chili doesn’t meet the specs of these hungry men and if it doesn’t stand out with all the other food, which—believe me—is prepared with fanatical, religious devotion, then I’m totally screwed in the Man Points department. To add to my intimidation, it was reported to me that several years ago a bug-eyed gentleman made some “substandard” chili and had his head stuffed into a toilet bowl before being expelled from the Male Club forever. Do you have any tips that will take my chili to the next level, earn me some much needed Man Points and spare me the fate of eternal banishment?

The first thing you must do is go to your local fire department and bribe the cook to get his secret “Fire Alarm” chili recipe. For it is a well established fact among Men In The Know that firemen, whose knowledge of manly dishes is a prerequisite for getting hired, have the best chili recipes available. The next thing you’ll want to do is bring several bottles of hot sauce to the Super Bowl party so that the men can “add heat” to the chili to their liking. Your choices of hot sauce are crucial to earning Man Points. Essentially, you’ll want to buy hot sauces that address three major themes of the Male Code. The first theme is daredevilry, the bravery that compels man to push himself to the extremes even in the face of mortal danger. For this first theme, you’ll want to pick up some of the following hot sauces: Defcon Condition, Blair’s Ultimate Death, Acid Rain, Black Mamba, Deathwish, Hazmat, F!#& Milk! Got Hot Sauce?, Pain Is Good, and Eat Shit and Die! The next theme attests to man’s unceasing sexual potency and never-ending horniness. You’ll want to pick up some Biker Bitch, Burnin’ Bush, Cojones Salsa Picante, Colonel Condom’s Hot Jerk Sauce (which comes with a free condom), Fat Girls in Heat, Larry’s Hot Pussy Juice, Mr. Stiff’s Spicy Punk, and Show Me Your Tits! The latter sauce is easy to recognize since the label features a topless woman and comes with a free set of Mardi Gras beads. The third theme is man’s utter lack of embarrassment regarding matters of his ass, anus and rectum evidenced by the following popular brand names: Hemorroid Helper, Hurts So Good, Hog’s Ass, Rectal Rocket Fuel, Ass Blaster, Buhba’s Butt Blaster, Blow It Out Your Ass (which comes with a free toilet key), and Wet Fart. It would appear to me that the makers of Hemorroid Helper purposely misspelled the word hemorrhoid in order to make it clear that they are not making any legitimate claims to “helping” any part of the human body. In any case, the makers of this ultra hot sauce have, like the others, succeeded in making it clear that men who buy their mouth-burning product are conforming to the Male Code. You would be wise to do the same.

Save Your Manhood Tip #20: Pizza Is an Important Part of a Manly Diet

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I find myself eating pizza every day and never getting sick of it. I even bought an extra refrigerator for my garage to store all my frozen pizzas. Do I get any Man Points for loving pizza so much or am I simply a gluttonous pig?

Clearly, pizza is the perfect male-oriented food, so much in fact that we can confidently say that if pizza did not exist, man would have invented it. Attesting to its divine perfection is its disc-like shape, so easy for stacking so that men can hoard hundreds of pizza pies in their closet. Additionally, the disc shape evokes that great Olympian sport, the discus. Its aerodynamic shape allows men to play catch with it, usually at half-time, before it is baked and consumed. The pizza’s much-anticipated “first bite,” when man sinks his teeth into the pointed edge, is analogous to breast-feeding, or so we are told by the world’s most prominent anthropologists. Lastly, the flat pizza plain invites man to put any ingredients he wants on it, sliced hot dogs, ground hamburger, corn, chili, scrambled eggs, all varieties of cheese,  and anything his whims dictate so that he can argue that pizza is not “junk food,” as it is often charged, but rather part of a wholesome diet, which includes the four major food groups. Because pizza conforms to the male sensibility in so many ways, we must conclude that your excess love for pizza does indeed result in a net gain of Man Points.

Save Your Manhood Tip #19: Condiments Are Discouraged

Dear Mr. Man Points,

Recently, I had my girlfriend over at my condo, and, wanting to show her how much she means to me, I went out of my way to make her a special treat of microwave popcorn (my last package), but I had no salt.  I therefore visited my neighbor, a divorced prison guard, and I was disappointed that he did not have any salt in his kitchen either. I remember returning to my condo in a huff and telling my girlfriend, “Can you believe this guy? He doesn’t even have any salt!” Upon which she reminded me that my negligence to buy this standard table condiment was the very thing that had made me pay my neighbor a visit.

Interestingly, after being turned away from my salt request, the prison guard, who had previously kept me at a frosty distance,  now seemed to have a deeper sense of sympathy and connection with me. For there is now an understanding between us that we are two undomesticated  bums, completely oblivious of stocking one of the world’s most basic provisions and as such we are quite proud.
So I got to thinking: Is there a connection between a man keeping his cupboards bare and earning Man Points?

Congratulations, you have a made a very insightful observation and have contributed immensely to the study of Man Points. Let me explain why your observation is so accurate: As a man, you instinctively know it is not a good idea to keep salt, sugar, eggs or anything in your kitchen that would give your neighbors an excuse to come over. If a neighbor knocks on your door and asks for a pinch of salt, what’s next? Milk? Eggs? Frozen peas? Hamburger Helper? No way. It’s best to establish early on that you’re a professional bum who has nothing worth requesting in your kitchen and that even if you did have, say, a bag of frozen corn, it would be so old and freezer burned as to render it inedible. Or even more disconcerting, the frozen bag of lima beans your neighbor needs for her casserole could prove highly dubious if she is borrowing frozen beans from a man who has recently endured a painful vasectomy.

While the idea of “borrowing” food from neighbors is, by many, smiled upon as a form of “community bonding,” it creates inflated expectations for the man whose sole objective is to lower others’ expectations of him and to thereby enjoy a life of bare responsibilities.

Save Your Manhood Tip #18: Plain Is Better

Dear Mr. Man Points,

I’ve always been a finicky eater and have somewhat quirky tastes. My buddies are so quick to make their food orders. Plain burgers. Chocolate ice cream. But I’m always over-thinking my choices, mulling over the menu for several minutes to the point that my hungry buddies explode and say, “Order your meal already!” And then they roll their eyes when I make what seem like unmanly detailed add-ons, deletions, and exotic selections for my orders. In the case of burgers, for example: “Hold the ketchup, no pickles, extra guacamole and caramelized onions.”  In the case of ice cream: “I’ll have extra fudge sauce, some of those pistachio and cashew pieces, sprinkles, and marshmallows.” In the case of beer, “I’ll have the Chocolate Rainbow stout on-tap.” It’s gotten to the point that my buddies won’t hang out with me any more and I fear my finicky ordering habits have lost me Man Points. Is there anything I can do?

Repeat after me: Plain is better, plain is better, plain is better. You must grasp this important principle. Otherwise you will have surrendered to the feminization of America, which has ruined real food for real guys. Gone are the days when a guy could simply order a “burger” or chocolate ice cream or down a stein of cold draft beer. Now he has to decide if he wants his bun to have sesame seeds or if he wants it toasted or if wants his burger to have chiptotle mayonnaise.  Now there is no such thing as just a plain ice cream cone. He has to choose between waffle and chocolate-dipped. In the case of beer, he can’t walk into a brewery without a guidebook with over a thousand listings and descriptions. The emergence of the microbrewery has in fact spawned a new field of university study, Brewology, which, in spite of its boozy appeal, requires the vigorous study of chemistry and microbiology.

So where have all these choices left you? Have they made you happier? Are you more of man? Take a survey of men these days and you will see that in the face of all these new menu choices their satisfaction levels are actually lower. You give a man too many options and he ends up fearing that no matter what choice he’s made, no matter how well thought-out, he’s made the wrong decision. Men are happier when they base their choices on necessity. This principle is not just applicable to food but to all things in a man’s life: women, cars, hairstyles, clothes, careers. Man functions better when he does not have to waste his energy making choices but rather saves his energy improving “whatever cards have been dealt” to him. Give a man too many options and he’ll spend the rest of his live in misery, wasting all his wakeful moments second-guessing himself.

Therefore, in the Ultimate Man’s Restaurant, there is no menu. The restaurant serves just one food and it is prepared the same way and no one complains lest they be expelled and never allowed to return. In fact, these types of restaurants really do exist and they have long lines, of both men and women, stretching around the block at all hours. The success of these “no-choice” restaurants attests to the fact that having a dizzying array of options is ruinous to human happiness and is one of the main causes of modern man’s hopeless condition.

Saving Your Manhood Tip #17: Avoid French Bistros

Dear Mr. Man Points,

A couple of months ago I took my brother, a burly garbage man, to a French bistro for his birthday. I figured he’d really like it, especially because bistros serve hearty dishes like beef bourguignon.  But later I found out through his friends that he hated it. I was hurt because the meal cost me close to two hundred dollars. Even worse, he has been avoiding me ever since I took him there and I fear I may have lost Man Points. Have I made some kind of gaffe and if I did is there anything I can do to make it up to him?

Good God, man, what are you, some kind of a sadist? Taking your hard-working, all-American brother to a French restaurant? Even if we concede that the French bistro offers “hearty” meals, your brother still had to navigate through an emasculating menu featuring creamy goat cheese, glazed figs on arugula salad with Roquefort, Fracassee Escargots with wild mushrooms, duck confit with glazed butternut squash, and Roulade of Petrole Sole Meuniere. And what kind of desserts are we talking about here? Lemon tarts with walnut crust? Le Gateau au Choclat Chaud? L’Assiette de Fromages Fancais? No wonder your brother is avoiding you. You’re a complete idiot, hopelessly ignorant of the Male Code, which stipulates that American men in general avoid restaurants that have the name “bistro” and positively hate anything that is French. To underscore this point, be aware that France is the only country in the entire world where the men are indifferent to Man Points. Let me repeat: Manliness means nothing in that country and in fact France is the only country where the men do not read my book. Having no interest in Man Points, they are solely focused on French Points because they are judged on how “French” they are, not on how manly. Sorry for this digression, but I had to emphasize just how disastrous it was for you to take your brother to a French restaurant.
In addition to French bistros and their ilk, you must understand that American men are equally put off by “museum food,” entrees that look like tiny sculptures, often made of ribboned pasta, julliened zucchini, and shredded coconut and always containing some “essence” or other,  and so god-awful small that they can be consumed in one bite.
So let us be clear. You totally screwed up in the Man Points department and now there is only one way to redeem yourself. Take your brother to one of those “theme” restaurants that are aptly decorated like Wild West saloons. These restaurants  specialize in oversized portions of steak, prime rib, baby back pork ribs, spicy chicken wings, cheddar cheese mashed potatoes, and deep-fried onion ring “flowers.” The waitresses soothe and indulge their manly patrons buy bringing them unlimited servings of garlic cheese toast. The desserts are simple and easy to read: carrot cake, cheese cake and chocolate fudge cake. The portions are so big that the waiters have to practically use cranes to get the platters of food from the kitchen to the patrons’ tables. Big helpings of food require big tableware. The knives resemble ivory-handled scimitars, and they evoke a more primitive age when men dressed in animal skins and tore the blubber off of beached whales and woolly mammoths. Giving your brother the opportunity to relive the Apex Predator Dramas of his caveman ancestors should get you back in his good graces. And don’t wait for his next birthday to come around either. Take him out for some manly eating ASAP.

Saving Your Manhood Tip #16: The Importance of the Manshake

Since man hunted animals, waged territorial disputes, and lived in caves, he has created a list of taboos, forbidden actions that compromise his masculinity and lower his esteem in the eyes of others. One of the most forbidden American taboos is man’s failure to make a strong first impression. Men who appear weak upfront will be perceived as pencil-neck geeks and in a world where perception is often stronger than reality, these men will face diminished esteem, an obstacle that is often insurmountable. For example, the president of a financial consulting firm takes an underling to the golf course to play 18 holes with a potential client, a former all-state wrestler who, upon shaking the underling’s hand, crushes it easily. The potential client deems the underling a wussy and decides to take his business elsewhere. The underling made the error of offering the potential client a soggy, limp hand during the all-important ritual of the Manly Handshake, what Men In The Know simply call the “Manshake.”

If you or anyone doubts the importance of a dominant handshake, may I refer you to Tom Chiarella’s “The Art of the Handshake” published in Esquire in which he argues that a powerful handshake affords a man unparalleled esteem and privileges: “Truth be told, a man who has a good handshake can do any goddamned thing he wants. I'm not saying he will; I'm saying he can. He can work a room--one person to the next, shaking with strangers, with old colleagues, with huge men and tiny women alike--with his hand. People remember him; they listen to him. Men like this are followed.” Chiarella points out that a good handshake is a highly specialized art form dependent on several factors: "The good handshake demands a particularly strong command of several divergent elements of influence in a single gesture, in one smallish moment, in order to connect with a person whom (presumably) you have never met before. Think of the components: a swift, elegant movement toward the waiting hand, wise use of the eyes, the considered grip strength, even the rhythm of the shake is important. All that and you have to speak, too; you have to be engaged enough to muster a question, remember a name, acknowledge some common experience while you grip, shake, and release."

In a culture that places such a high premium on a hearty handshake and the promise of self-improvement, the American man has little choice but to equip himself with the complete line of Captains of Crush Grippers and train like mad, for he cannot be sure if his next handshake is the one that will earn him ranks into the Male Club of Prosperity or force him to be exiled into impoverished pariah status forever. 

July 21, 2007 in

Since man hunted animals, waged territorial disputes, and lived in caves, he has created a list of taboos, forbidden actions that compromise his masculinity and lower his esteem in the eyes of others. One of the most forbidden American taboos is man’s failure to make a strong first impression. Men who appear weak upfront will be perceived as pencil-neck geeks and in a world where perception is often stronger than reality, these men will face diminished esteem, an obstacle that is often insurmountable. For example, the president of a financial consulting firm takes an underling to the golf course to play 18 holes with a potential client, a former all-state wrestler who, upon shaking the underling’s hand, crushes it easily. The potential client deems the underling a wussy and decides to take his business elsewhere. The underling made the error of offering the potential client a soggy, limp hand during the all-important ritual of the Manly Handshake, what Men In The Know simply call the “Manshake.”

If you or anyone doubts the importance of a dominant handshake, may I refer you to Tom Chiarella’s “The Art of the Handshake” published in Esquire in which he argues that a powerful handshake affords a man unparalleled esteem and privileges: “Truth be told, a man who has a good handshake can do any goddamned thing he wants. I'm not saying he will; I'm saying he can. He can work a room--one person to the next, shaking with strangers, with old colleagues, with huge men and tiny women alike--with his hand. People remember him; they listen to him. Men like this are followed.” Chiarella points out that a good handshake is a highly specialized art form dependent on several factors: "The good handshake demands a particularly strong command of several divergent elements of influence in a single gesture, in one smallish moment, in order to connect with a person whom (presumably) you have never met before. Think of the components: a swift, elegant movement toward the waiting hand, wise use of the eyes, the considered grip strength, even the rhythm of the shake is important. All that and you have to speak, too; you have to be engaged enough to muster a question, remember a name, acknowledge some common experience while you grip, shake, and release."

In a culture that places such a high premium on a hearty handshake and the promise of self-improvement, the American man has little choice but to equip himself with the complete line of Captains of Crush Grippers and train like mad, for he cannot be sure if his next handshake is the one that will earn him ranks into the Male Club of Prosperity or force him to be exiled into impoverished pariah status forever. 

Saving Your Manhood Tip #15: Your Forearms Can Never be Too Big

There comes a point in every man's life when he realizes he can never get his forearms too big. The Era of Ridiculous Forearms was ushered in during America's Golden Age of Cartoons when Popeye, sailor, lover, and spinach-monger, hit the scene with forearms that would someday become the ideal aspired by such baseball greats as Steve Garvey, Jeff Bagwell and Lenny Dykstra.  In the business world, big forearms can salvage a bad day at the office when the office functionary is verbally abused by the barking boss and can at least sulk in his cubicle with his sleeves rolled up, his beefy forearms evidence that his manhood hasn't been completely obliterated by his professional and domestic obligations. Because huge forearms are so essential to our masculine identity, we are obliged to train our forearms rigorously, performing barbell wrist curls and reverse curls a minimum of four days a week for at least 10 sets of 20 repetitions, making sure our forearms become so tight with blood engorgement that we cannot move our fingers. This is a manly, pleasing pain that assures us we are being obedient to the Male Code and thus protecting our masculinity in a culture that is so hostile toward it.