Dear Mr. Man Points,
I came home from work the other night to find my roommate, a mixed martial arts fighter, sitting on the couch in the TV room. He was shoving something down his throat while making this awful gagging sound. I looked closely and saw that he was pressing a shish kebab skewer into a gold filling that got loosened during his last match. I told him to go the dentist before he gets an infection but he told me dentists are for wussies. If this is true, I must be losing a lot of Man Points because I get my teeth cleaned four times a year as a way of preventing tartar buildup. Could you please advise me on this matter?
Let’s face it, dentists are by nature crooks who make their living finding tooth decay that doesn’t exist. In spite of their wholesome image of gleaming white teeth and matching tunic, they live to siphon as much of your money as possible. For they’re just like every other schmuck who’s weighed down by his pricey office lease, alimony and child support, football season tickets, and compulsive gambling. Plus they’ve usually got their ridiculously priced mid-life crisis car, a Porsche convertible, and a high-maintenance trophy girlfriend who insists on quarterly trips to upscale Caribbean resorts. Additionally, whenever your friendly dentist does his book keeping and sees that he’s a little behind or that has to buy a new set of state-of-the-art hydraulic dental chairs with double-articulated headrests at $3,000 a pop, suddenly he decides you need a root canal, a new crown, and a skin graft for your receding gum line. You heard me. He has to buy new equipment; plus he’s got a Club Med vacation in the Virgin Islands coming up with his domineering honey pie so he decides he has to take a skin flap from your palate and sew it to your gums.
Let’s be clear: The whole idea that you must go to the dentist four times a year to prevent “tartar buildup” is a complete sham. It was invented by none other than the dental industry. It’s one of those lies that has been drilled into your head since childhood so that you grow up believing it to be true. Complete crap.
But don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. What you do is quit going to your dentist immediately and start brushing your teeth with a washcloth. That’s right. Wrap a washcloth around your index finger, slather some toothpaste on it, and scrub the inside of your mouth for a good five minutes three times a day. The scouring action is superior to any “professional” tooth cleansing you’ll ever get at the dentist and you’ll be cavity-free to your dying days. Plus when you tell your fellow men about the thousands of dollars you now save by staying clear from your dentist, they will award you with copious Man Points.
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