Dear Mr. Man Points,
Recently I had my buddies over for a game of poker and when they discovered my bathroom is stocked with aloe-enhanced toilet paper, they derided me and said I lost Man Points. But my research shows that aloe toilet paper prevents rash and chafing and can even over the long-term prevent hemorrhoids and rectal polyps. Am I not justified?
What the hell have you been reading, you naïve nincompoop? If you really believe trace amounts of aloe up your butt are going to produce some kind of rectal panacea then I must hereby strip you of all your Man Points. Based on your inquiry, I will infer that you are the type of man who pampers himself in the toilet with all kinds of perfumated ointments, creams, and balsams and this steers you away from your caveman ancestors whose highly-evolved survival instincts made them such venerable models of manly behavior. Imagine the fate of our troglodyte descendents had they been overly occupied with wiping themselves with soothing aloe-enhanced toilet tissue during an ambush from a rival tribe or a snarling saber-toothed tiger. They needed to take care of their business in haste, which is why to this day when man is bogged down in a marathon wiping session, using rolls and rolls of the stuff, he feels on edge and a bit demoralized. Moreover, he increases the danger of clogging his plumbing and being forced to call his local plumber for a long and arduous “snake job.” That’s why when a man does his business and exits the bathroom in under one minute he is overcome by a sense of self-satisfaction and an optimism that he is ready to face the day with confidence. Additionally, man who avoids using excessive rolls of fancy toilet paper is contributing to the preservation of forests everywhere. And more forests mean more sparring grounds for paint-ball fights, combat drills, and just plain good old “living off the fruit of the land.” So quit bogarting all the forests for your pampered ass and leave the trees for real men.
Comments