Dear Mr. Man Points,
I just got a big promotion and I want to celebrate by treating myself to a brand new car, the kind that will attract the ladies. The problem I’m having is that there are so many color choices. What colors will maximize my Man Points?
In the realm of Darwinian sexual selection, male birds boasting the brightest flashiest plumage get first dibs on the females. Male birds champion glorious ruffs, crowns, and bloated neck sacs to add to their ostentation. This urge to be seen above everyone else is the key factor when a man chooses a car color. Therefore, if you want to increase your reproductive opportunities you must avoid plain car colors like black, red, or white. Instead, opt for the most scintillating colors imaginable, those with greater quantities of phosphorescent pigments, meaning the paint will glow in the dark and give off an iridescence in sunlight.
Having established that you must choose a color with a high concentration of phosphorescent pigments, let us now focus on the Three Masculine Themes of car colors. The first theme is that of the Intrepid Traveler. If you choose this theme, the color will allude to tropical bodies of water, faraway galaxies, and paradisiacal vistas. Such colors include Sepang Green, Galactic Gray Mica, and Kalahari Beige Metallic. These colors will make a bold statement that you do not drive your car in some drab, generic suburb, however true that may be, but rather that you are transported, by the sheer virtue of owning your car, to some exotic locale. Thus you can instantly go to the green sea off of Sepang, Malaysia, or behold the glimmering deserts of Egypt or the Kalahari. Or you can be titillated by the unlimited possibilities of the Savannah range while contemplating the paleoanthropological contributions of Richard Leakey.
The second theme is I Am Indestructible. In this case, you will choose colors such as Zircon, Diamond Graphite, and Olivine Green Metallic, which make references to jewels, gems and precious minerals, suggesting that at the core of man’s car is something adamantine, invincible, and irresistibly iridescent. Just as important, by linking man’s car to a precious gem he can flatter himself with the idea that his car, constructed of rare elements, will actually appreciate over time. Another benefit of marketing a car as a precious, invincible jewel is that it becomes a preferred substitute for the engagement or wedding ring. What man wants to deal with the morally dubious proposition of supporting the diamond trade in South Africa, with its labor abuses and alleged links to terrorism, when he can ingratiate himself with his fiancé by showing his love through the gift of a chimeric automobile?
The third theme is Lust for Life. These colors suggest sensuous states of ecstasy, Dionysian rapture, and reckless abandon.
Therefore, these colors will typically be named after some type of wine or other, such as Chardonnay, Champagne, or Chiaretto. The statement you make is that you don’t merely drive your car. You drink it. You get drunk from it. You are in effect seizing the day, living in the moment, and, as such, you are fulfilling your dream and your destiny.
Of course, you know and I know that this whole color business is complete bullshit but we’re talking about reproductive dominance and no one said it was going to be easy. So proudly spread your iridescent peacock feathers, my friend, and find the babe you’ve been looking for all your life. Your Man Points depend on it.
As they say, one should dress up flamboyantly in order to be eye-catching, unique, and stand out. The popular colors though - silver and black - speak of luxury, wealth and power. In any case, one's personality and conviction may reflect on his choice of car color.
Posted by: Ivo Beutler | May 23, 2011 at 07:40 AM