Dear Mr. Man Points,
I find myself eating pizza every day and never getting sick of it. I even bought an extra refrigerator for my garage to store all my frozen pizzas. Do I get any Man Points for loving pizza so much or am I simply a gluttonous pig?
Clearly, pizza is the perfect male-oriented food, so much in fact that we can confidently say that if pizza did not exist, man would have invented it. Attesting to its divine perfection is its disc-like shape, so easy for stacking so that men can hoard hundreds of pizza pies in their closet. Additionally, the disc shape evokes that great Olympian sport, the discus. Its aerodynamic shape allows men to play catch with it, usually at half-time, before it is baked and consumed. The pizza’s much-anticipated “first bite,” when man sinks his teeth into the pointed edge, is analogous to breast-feeding, or so we are told by the world’s most prominent anthropologists. Lastly, the flat pizza plain invites man to put any ingredients he wants on it, sliced hot dogs, ground hamburger, corn, chili, scrambled eggs, all varieties of cheese, and anything his whims dictate so that he can argue that pizza is not “junk food,” as it is often charged, but rather part of a wholesome diet, which includes the four major food groups. Because pizza conforms to the male sensibility in so many ways, we must conclude that your excess love for pizza does indeed result in a net gain of Man Points.
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