Dear Mr. Man Points,
For this year’s Super Bowl, I’ve been assigned to bring chili to my buddy’s house, which will be inhabited by dozens of brawny men, veterans of football watching, and connoisseurs of football food—Buffalo wings with blue cheese chip, chile con queso, nachos, shredded barbecue beef on hamburger buns, ribs, seven-layer bean dip, guacamole, jalapeno poppers stuffed with cheddar cheese. I’m a bit intimidated by the assignment because if my chili doesn’t meet the specs of these hungry men and if it doesn’t stand out with all the other food, which—believe me—is prepared with fanatical, religious devotion, then I’m totally screwed in the Man Points department. To add to my intimidation, it was reported to me that several years ago a bug-eyed gentleman made some “substandard” chili and had his head stuffed into a toilet bowl before being expelled from the Male Club forever. Do you have any tips that will take my chili to the next level, earn me some much needed Man Points and spare me the fate of eternal banishment?
The first thing you must do is go to your local fire department and bribe the cook to get his secret “Fire Alarm” chili recipe. For it is a well established fact among Men In The Know that firemen, whose knowledge of manly dishes is a prerequisite for getting hired, have the best chili recipes available. The next thing you’ll want to do is bring several bottles of hot sauce to the Super Bowl party so that the men can “add heat” to the chili to their liking. Your choices of hot sauce are crucial to earning Man Points. Essentially, you’ll want to buy hot sauces that address three major themes of the Male Code. The first theme is daredevilry, the bravery that compels man to push himself to the extremes even in the face of mortal danger. For this first theme, you’ll want to pick up some of the following hot sauces: Defcon Condition, Blair’s Ultimate Death, Acid Rain, Black Mamba, Deathwish, Hazmat, F!#& Milk! Got Hot Sauce?, Pain Is Good, and Eat Shit and Die! The next theme attests to man’s unceasing sexual potency and never-ending horniness. You’ll want to pick up some Biker Bitch, Burnin’ Bush, Cojones Salsa Picante, Colonel Condom’s Hot Jerk Sauce (which comes with a free condom), Fat Girls in Heat, Larry’s Hot Pussy Juice, Mr. Stiff’s Spicy Punk, and Show Me Your Tits! The latter sauce is easy to recognize since the label features a topless woman and comes with a free set of Mardi Gras beads. The third theme is man’s utter lack of embarrassment regarding matters of his ass, anus and rectum evidenced by the following popular brand names: Hemorroid Helper, Hurts So Good, Hog’s Ass, Rectal Rocket Fuel, Ass Blaster, Buhba’s Butt Blaster, Blow It Out Your Ass (which comes with a free toilet key), and Wet Fart. It would appear to me that the makers of Hemorroid Helper purposely misspelled the word hemorrhoid in order to make it clear that they are not making any legitimate claims to “helping” any part of the human body. In any case, the makers of this ultra hot sauce have, like the others, succeeded in making it clear that men who buy their mouth-burning product are conforming to the Male Code. You would be wise to do the same.
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