Dear Mr. Man Points,
I’m always looking for something to boost my performance in the gym. My question is this: Is it manly to buy “sport drinks” or am I just a chump being manipulated by shrewd marketers?
Not all sport drinks were created equal. Some are more manly than others. You’ll want to avoid girlie drinks containing fruit punch, pumpkin spice, and daiquiri flavors. Instead, you’ll want to focus on those virility cocktails that point to man’s Apex Predator Fantasies—Pinnacle, Attack, Formadrol, Higher Power, Universal Animal, PrimaForce, Beast Sports Nutrition, Goliath Labs Ejaculoid, and Horny Goat Weed, to name a few. These brand names advertise your earnest intentions to transform yourself into a Hairy Muscle-Plated Satyr. If these products give you the psychological edge to work out like a crazy man and thus achieve your goal, then you shall earn Man Points. But if you’re just a poser, consuming these beverages while working out like a wussy or, worse, you drink these high-octane beverages while watching Rachel Ray perform a “Thirty-Minute Meal,” then all your Man Points shall be lost.
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