Dear Herculodge: Is There Such Thing As Gadget Overload?

Dear Herculodge,

For many years now I have been in the habit of cluttering flashy technological equipment around my crotch area. Cell phones, MP3 players, personal organizers, laptops, and oversized beverages are just a few high-profile items I like to keep close by. Lately, though, my wife’s been telling me that I’m overdoing it. I also resent her suggestion that my need to “crowd” my crotch area points to an inferiority complex, clearly a sign of lost Man Points. Could you please give me some basic ground rules?

I’m afraid your wife may be on to something. Cluttering your lap region with more than three techno-gadgets does indeed enter into the realm of overkill. Cram too many contraptions around the crotch and your lap becomes a hive of high-voltage activity, none sexual, to the point that when it comes to sex you will wish you could use your wallet or cell phone since you are more accustomed to using artifice and less accustomed to using your own member. Fatigued by your multi-tasking, you will also be less potent biologically and you will demonstrate your potency by utilizing the technological gizmos that crowd your crotch area—your 60-gig iPod, your Personal Data Assistant or your handheld GPS satellite tracking system.  The latter device allows you to boast to strangers that you are, like Jack Bauer, “triangulating” signals and this makes you feel like you are tracking a spy or a terrorist when in fact—let’s be honest—the only time you use it is to monitor the whereabouts of a pizza delivery that is fifteen minutes late to your home or office. Such a trivial use of your GPS system results in a serious loss of Man Points.

I also believe your wife has even more serious worries, namely, that the items that you attach to your groin generally trap or generate heat, which is deadly to human sperm, so you essentially negate your reproductive abilities in several ways, not the least of which is the ongoing sperm bake going on in your testicles on a daily basis. The scrotum, it must be recognized, was designed to hang below savage loincloths and stay cool, but now yours is bound up in jock straps, athletic underwear, corduroy jeans, Blackberry devices, and cups of piping hot coffee. Your testicles respond to this hostile environment by shriveling into wrinkled raisins and this abysmal state of affairs compels you to find even greater ways to enhance your ever-shriveling groin with shiny, overheating technological accoutrements. And thus you are now caught up in a vicious cycle with your precious jewels paying a sorry price. I say heed your wife’s advice and free up your crotch area for the more important nuptial duties your wife demands of you. 

Comments

[Ed S.]

And don't overlook the baby-batter nuking potential of a hot laptop PC placed on your lap for hours!

[jeffrey McMahon]

I wish I had thought of the "baby-batter" line. Let me know if I can incorporate--that is steal--your comments into my posts.

[Ed S.]

Sure, but remember: stealing from one source is "plagiarism," stealing from many sources is "research."

[gerald johnson]

perhaps there is certain electronic gadgets that could be placed in the wifes lap that could compensate.

[jeffrey McMahon]

Compensation could prove salubrious.