How come no one’s invented a sleeping bag that looks like a made bed? Come on, guys. There are millions of dollars to be made here. Not only do guys like me hate making beds. We hate sleeping in made beds. All they do is get messed up. You get up in the middle of the night after tossing and turning and you can’t find your feet. Or one of your legs is missing under a pillow or a sheet or something. What a mess. And then the next morning you have to make the damn thing. Notice someone came up with the word make to describe the harrowing ordeal of neatly spreading out the bedding and tucking in the sheets and blankets. The worse part is finding the sheet’s “contoured corners,” which are never big enough for the mattress so that they keep slipping off the bed. I mean, you can barely move or else the sheet will just “pop” off the bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up to find myself sleeping on bare mattress because I couldn’t get the “contoured corners” to fit right.
I’ve noticed a new trend for responsible companies to provide a demonstration video to show you how to use your new exercise machine or your new car. Well, I’m here to tell you it’s about time the sheet manufacturers started doing the same with their “contoured” sheets. But then again, if you have to watch a video in order to do something, is it really worth the hassle? Day after day, making your bed when you could be spending that time eating a bigger, manlier breakfast.
This is where the sleeping bag comes in. Not just any sleeping bag, mind you, but the Man Bag, one that looks like a made bed. This way when a girl comes over she’ll think you actually made your bed. She’ll think you’re refined and domesticated. She’ll think you sleep in the finest bedding available. Only after she gets to know you better and you feel it’s safe to you tell her the truth, you let her know that, yes, you choose to sleep inside a Man Bag because you’re the type of guy who likes the looks of a great bed combined with the convenience of not having to make the bed. She’ll either respect you for keeping up on the latest bedding innovations or she’ll dismiss you as a crude troglodyte unworthy of her affections. But if she does the second thing, is she really worth keeping around? What other offenses will she find? What other demands will she make? So you see, having a Man Bag is a good relationship test. She gives you grief in that department and I can assure you she’ll bust your chops for a whole slew of other imaginary offenses.
Still not sold on the Man Bag? What if I were to tell you that it would have special zipper pockets inside where you could store your food, your vitamins, and your hidden stash of Viagra? No more getting up and lumbering into the kitchen, stubbing your big toe along the way, as you navigate precariously through a dark, cluttered apartment. Another pocket for your phone. Another for hiding stuff no one is supposed to know about. Wireless Internet stitched into the flannel lining. You get the idea. The Man Bag would be more than just a place to sleep. It would be the Mother Ship of All Sleeping Bags, the place where you conduct all your important operations.
A strong desire for the Man Bag rests in the dark, secret chambers of every man’s heart, but most guys are too ashamed to admit it. Well I’m not ashamed. I’m not only gonna get my Man Bag idea off the ground, I’m gonna make it cool to want one. Just don’t be surprised when women want to get in on the act. They always want what we have. Of course, they’ll have to change it around to suit their tastes. You know, they’ll turn it into a Chick Sack. They’ll want theirs in pink or lavender and theirs will smell like potpourri and if you’re married you’ll probably have to let her choose the style and color. But just remember. The idea came from a guy and it originally was made for guys. No amount of feminization done to my Man Bag can change that fact.
If it can be retrofitted with a catheter, it's a deal.
Posted by: Mike W | July 05, 2008 at 06:01 PM
If I ever need a catheter, I hope to be unconscious, which means they can roll me up in a mummy suit for all I care.
Posted by: jeffrey McMahon | July 05, 2008 at 06:12 PM