Dear Mr. Man Points,
Like me, my girlfriend is gym
rat so I thought it would only be logical to not only start training at the
same gym as her but to be her training partner. She is a very fit beautiful
girl and I assumed being seen with her at the gym would increase my Man Points
but my buddies have warned me that training with her will have the opposite
effect. Who’s right?
Dear Reader,
Your buddies are quite right for
several reasons. First of all,
there are few things more annoying and loathsome than Conspicuous Gym Couples.
These attention-seekers inevitably make a big production about how deeply
“in-love” they are while at the same time promoting themselves as serious
workout buffs. To cater to their image as gym fanatics, they have to tote
several bottles of water and “high-energy” drinks with them from each workout
station to the other. They also carry “workout journals” and after every set
they dutifully record their “performance statistics.” It’s not so much that
they need all these fluids and scrupulously recorded workout data. Rather, it’s
that these liquids and logbooks are used as part of their workout props to
inflate their self-image. Additionally, these pestilent gym couples spend so
much time preening themselves between sets, doing abdominal poses in the mirror
for example, or checking out the striations in their calves, that they end up
spending over a half-hour on every exercise and as such they hog the equipment.
To annoy the rest of the gym members more than they already have, they make
coochie-coochie faces at each other while they’re training, which you must know
is a huge Man Points violation. Especially nauseating is when one of their
favorite love songs blasts from the gym speakers and while the guy is doing,
say, standing cable cross-overs for his pecs and his girlfriend is “spotting”
him, they mouth the song’s lyrics to each other and do a little booty shake to
emphasize the song’s beat. Naturally, this must result in an even greater loss
of Man Points.
Now
I am not saying that your intentions are not good, but it has been my
experience that even the best-intentioned men fall into the traps I’ve
described. Additionally, there are practical impediments to training with a
woman such as your strength disparity. Because the woman usually must use far
less weight, the whole workout is slowed down. With the constant adding and
subtracting of weights, the workout lasts longer than five hours so that these
couples appear to live at the gym. Moreover, the added time it takes for the
man to strip the barbell for his girlfriend and then put his 45-pound plates
back on it causes the man to lose his pump.
The worst part of
being part of a Conspicuous Gym Couple is that over time you will develop
several delusions. You will start to believe that spending time with your
girlfriend at the gym counts as “social time” so that there is an unspoken
agreement that you don’t have to go on an actual date with her. Simply going to
the gym and then getting some chicken teriyaki afterwards at the mall’s food
court constitutes a “date.” Causing even greater loss of Man Points, you and
your girlfriend will traipse about the mall wearing matching, crotch-tight
Spandex at the food court and, as regulars, you will be chummy with the food
service people who will ask you how your training is going. You and your
girlfriend will be eager to share your bodybuilding tips with others as your
mini workout lectures afford you a feeling of self-importance and celebrity
that is lacking in your real lives.
Because your gym
theatrics give you a sense of attention and importance you cannot receive
anywhere else, you will actually prefer to use the gym as a substitute for all
forms of socializing. For will you be esteemed as highly at clubs, parties, and
dinner socials? The answer is no. Since you will be living the fantasy of being
beloved gym celebrities, you will stay close to the source of your fantasy so
that the gym will eventually become your home away from home. Such an abysmal
state of affairs will result in the loss of Man Points. Take your buddies
advice, my friend. Keep your romantic life and your gym life separate.
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