Dear Mr. Man Points,
My buddies have started mocking
me by calling me Captain Save-a-Babe on account of the fact that I cannot get
myself a truly beautiful woman unless she is the helpless, self-destructive
sort who needs to be rescued. For many years now I’ve assumed the role of caped
crusader who “saves” beautiful women from their bad spending habits, their
credit card debts, and their stalking ex-boyfriends. I provide them shelter when they are on the run or in
financial trouble. I perform around-the-clock home repairs free of charge, and
I do grocery shopping when their cupboards are bare. I have also been known to
stave off a crowd at rock concerts when a beautiful woman is having an asthma
attack or is just plain “freaked out” by the thousands of people closing in on
her. Here’s my dilemma: I know that playing the role of Captain Save-a-Babe is a
Man Points infraction in general, but my case is a little different. You see, I
am, by all accounts, not particularly good looking. Therefore, I cannot date a
beautiful woman unless she’s the type who needs to be rescued. So, yes, I lose
Man Points for allowing these needy types of women to use me, but at the same
time I’m going out with women far more beautiful than I could ever go out with
under normal circumstances. Doesn’t this gain me Man Points?
Dear Reader,
I will have to strip you of all your Man Points, not only because you allow yourself to be used and abused by emotionally-arrested women but for your stupid assumption that men lacking in the looks department have to betray the Male Code by performing lame “rescue missions.” It is well known that any man can improve upon his looks with vigorous diet and exercise and that he can become a Sex Magnet by cultivating a brassy attitude, entrepreneurial savvy and a sense of humor. I must take away even more Man Points, if you still have any left to take away, because you fail to understand a basic principle of human psychology, namely, that these women your rescue are apt to bite the hand that feeds them. Knowing they have neither the will nor the resources to reciprocate your supposed kindness and not trusting your ulterior motives, these women will inevitably disdain you in favor of the predatory, parasitic male lout who creates the very problems you try so hard to remedy. You are so lacking in Man Points that even when you realize that the woman has chosen the lout over you and that she actually prefers to suffer at the hands of this cruel sociopath, you still try to keep your firm grip on her. Sadly, you are so full of yourself for playing the hero and the martyr that you are doomed to repeat the same stupid behavior with other self-destructive women over and over again. I therefore exile you to Man Points Purgatory where, I can only hope, you will learn to disavow yourself of your Captain Save-a-Babe persona and someday join the ranks of Real Men.
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