
You can imagine I must be a very angry person to be a
compulsive road-rager. So acute is my road rage that I’ve sought treatment and
sit at the alter of your therapist’s couch—yes, you, Dr. Road Rage—and I beg
for mercy, wisdom, and effective action.
My anger seems to be part of my hard-wiring. Testosterone.
Male aggression. Reptilian defense signals.
As a college instructor, I find myself very conscious of not
getting into situations that might cause my students to see me in a compromising
situation. I wouldn’t, for example, want my students to see me eating a
hamburger or an ice cream cone, food slopped on my face, chocolate sauce
smeared on my cheeks, mayo dribbling on my chest and in general me looking like
a despicable slob. So you can imagine I don’t eat in my car.
Road rage is a different matter, sadly enough. I make the
choice NOT to eat in my car, but the road rage is a compulsion that defies my
best planning and resolve. I have about three full-blown road rage “events” a
year when someone cuts me off, complete with swearing and honking full blast,
enough to get me shot if the offender should be toting a gun, but even when I’m
not totally road raging, I’m simmering at a rather high heat during city and
highway driving so that there is a general aggression, a bellicosity, and
paranoia that informs my driving.
Dr. Road Rage, let me be clear. I am an intelligent man,
capable of rational thought. Therefore, I am here so that my rational side may dominate
the irrational, so that my free will triumph over my predispositions. I’m
all ears, ready to listen to your every word.
Road-Rager, let me first say you are not alone. You suffer
from Confederacy of Dunces Syndrome in which you think you are the only genius
on the road surrounded by a confederacy of dunces. Learn to see that you are,
too, a dunce and that shall be the beginning of wisdom.
You also assume that there is something in this world called
Justice, a myth, and that to preserve this myth you call Justice you must
defend it by raging. You believe you are doing humanity a favor when you rage, preserving
the myth of justice, but in fact you are merely contributing to the roiling
malignancies that afflict humanity. The sooner you see yourself as one who is
contaminating the roads with your angry energy, the better.
Finally, let me put the fear of God in you. No, you’re not a
big God person, I can tell, but no matter, you love money and your fear of
losing money is equivalent to the fear of God, so remember your raging can
result in not only a ticket for reckless driving but cause your car insurance
to increase tenfold. If that fear of pecuniary punishment doesn’t assuage your
rage, nothing will.
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