Rage and Frustration Define My Fitness Quest

 

At 49 years of age I have little to show for all my training. Six days a week, I do an hour of high-rep military workouts combined with power yoga. Sundays I run with my buddy for an hour in deep sand at Redondo Beach. Yet a month ago my weight was approaching 240 and my gut was getting thick. My waistline (the flattering photo above conceals the unsightly belly) was an affront to my pride and mocked all my hard training.

Fueled by rage, I quit eating my wife’s baked desserts and similar foods and over a month I got my weight a tad south of 230, a step in the right direction.

It’s amazing the amount of anxiety and energy and obsession that was invested in this weight-loss. It seems disproportionate to the amount of benefits I received.

Another source of discouragement is this: A few days ago, I cheated just a little bit: a spicy cheeseburger one day, 2 slices of pizza the next, some Thai food the next day, and some Indian food the following day, not really bad food but more caloric than my protein salads, and my weight is currently a little north of 230. I gained a little less than 2 pounds. That is very discouraging and makes me think about the inevitable rage of my fitness quest.

I’m full of rage over a growing waistline, punishment for eating a few good foods, that mocks my hard training. But I’m also full of rage over the enormous effort to get my weight down, which seems an exercise in futility. I mean the salads with some kind of protein mixed in, tuna, eggs, tofu, or whatever, is a form of punishment and even without eating sweets if I eat something more caloric like a little pizza, Thai or Indian food, my body gains a few pounds and essentially tells me to go screw myself.

So eating what I want fills me with rage as my weight creeps up to unacceptable levels, but not eating what I want fills me with rage because the diet is so punitive. Frustrated by this dilemma, I'm tempted to say the hell with it all and surrender to the Gluttony God but if I do that I'll go down a slippery slope to nihilism, a very dark place I can't afford to go to, especially as the father of 18-month twins. 

Rage and frustration seem to be the inevitable condition of my existence. I’m convinced I’m not alone, that in fact millions of people feel the way I do.

That felt good. I feel like I just vented my issues at a Weight Watchers meeting and I didn’t have to pay anything. 

 

Comments

[Paul]

Nice looking vintage clock radio
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Panasonic-RC-1000-Vintage-Clock-Radio-Soft-Touch-/170686341257

[Bill Bush]

I seem to remember you're a vegetarian, plus eggs? I hate to tell you this, but I have been doing Atkins for 3 weeks now and can once more don my size 36 pants! Eggs, sausage, bacon, burgers, chicken baked and grilled, fish and cheese! I'm doing the "induction" phase foods, which means almost no carbs. I had noticed how carbs did not give me lasting satiety, which led me back to Atkins. No bread, rice, noodles, dried beans, potatoes, and only two SMALL servings per day of fruit. I do get green salads with dressings, and meatloaf tonight for dinner!

Gary Taubes has a new book out called WHY WE GET FAT AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT that was discussed on the WUNC-FM show "People's Pharmacy" recently. It might fly in the face of your position and experience, but he has a good rep and speaks quite sensibly. He essentially says re reread Atkins' bibliography, and the guywas right and confirmed by newer research.

I don't get hungry and have no sleepy or sinking spells after meals. My blood sugar seems not to be upset or creating trembly feelings. My wife just finished the book and has become a carb Nazi, a good thing, I'm beginning to think. After just 13 days on the diet, her A1C dropped from 6.5 to 6, so it looks good to me.

Wanat me to mail you the book when I finish?

[Jeffrey McMahon]

Bill, I have that book and read it on my Kindle. I agree with it. I stopped being veg about 2.5 years ago when my wife and I got serious about having children. My carb intake has been reduced but apparently not enough.

[Bill Bush]

You're a challenge-oriented manly-man guy. I challenge you to go 21 days on just what I listed in my previous comment. I will mail you $5 if you do not lose 7 pounds, and $10 if you do. Up for it?

[Jeffrey McMahon]

If I'm not south of 220 in 6 weeks, I'll resort to your system, for sure.

[Ulysses]

I can't work out properly at the moment due to damaged rotator cuffs. The weight isn't creeping up on me (yet) but I still don't feel right having to stick to lighter activity. I don't suppose you'd have any recommendations on the best way to recover from such injuries, assuming you've ever had any?

[Jeffrey McMahon]

Ulysses, with a rotator cuff injury, can you walk/run on the treadmill? What about the stair-climber? An hour a day 6 days a week would be good.

[Ulysses]

Yeah, I can still do those things but it's just frustrating when you're not sure how much force you can use in your upper body before you set back your recovery. Seems the effect is delayed by a day or so too, so it's hard to gauge when you've pushed yourself too far. Thanks for the advice - I don't think i'll get any heavier as long as I watch what I eat and take some supplemental protein to help things along a bit.

[Jeffrey McMahon]

I tore my rotator 12 years ago doing heavy bench press. It took 2 years to heal. I never did heavy bench pressing again.

You can do an hour of cardio without straining your shoulder. I'd do it. You'll feel better.

[kr]

Jeff, the problem lies with the date on your drivers license, i.e. the year born... It's like your metabolism goes to zero after about 45-46 and if you eat one piece of pie, you walk around with it in front of you the rest of your life. I probably get 8 hours of aerobic exercise a week (running, swimming, biking) and I am as fat as a hamster.

[Ed S.]

From "Desiderata":

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.