Confronting the Disintegration of a Personality
Below, the 2003 photo in which I have given up all dignity for the pleasures of reptilian self-indulgence and a more recent photo evidencing a man who let pride and discipline take hold of the reigns:
The Secret Archives of Fat Daddy Exposed
During the pandemic, my daughters, Julia and Natalie, uncovered some archived photos of me in 2003 on my wife’s computer, and they’re not flattering photos. In fact, they are shameful.
Disintegrating Personality
In the photo, I weigh over 250, my face is huge, and honestly the images make me cringe with the thought: “There is the disintegration of a human being right there,” I say out loud. “This someone who’s lost his way. This is someone whose soul is wasting away in his personal hell of self-indulgence.”
Not surprisingly, the one photo that creates the most shame and self-disgust is the one my daughters love most of all.
Empty Popcorn Bucket, Melted Chocolate, Lizard Eyes
It’s me sitting on the living room couch. There is this empty popcorn bowl next me. Why is it empty? Because I just finished it.
But the real disgust of the photo is that my chin and my hands are covered with melted chocolate because I had tossed chocolate kisses over the freshly popped popcorn and the chocolate had melted all over and it was smeared all over me. I have what appears to be a thick chocolate beard on my face and my hands are covered with chocolate gloves.
But we’re not even done with this image of self-abasement:
Not only am I fat with a huge face and chocolate all over my face and hands; my eyes are half closed, and I have that dumb-grinned, sleepy look relief and self-indulgence you experience when you just ate a bucket of popcorn slathered with melted chocolate and something very specific happens to your eyes when you indulge like this.
I call it Lizard Eyes. If you’re not familiar with Lizard Eyes, it's the glazed over effect with the eyes half shut. You’ve essentially lost your humanity and become a lizard.
So I’ve got the Lizard Eyes thing going. So I’ve lost my humanity, and I’ve become a fat, overfed reptile, and I hate it.
Bad Role Model, Image to Run From for 17 Years
So two points about that fat reptile:
One, this image is not a good role model for my daughters.
Two, the photograph is an image of shame I’ve been running away from for over 17 years.
I’ve spent the last 17 years running away from the image of myself. I’ve tried to incorporate health-consciousness, self-awareness, mindfulness, and discipline in my eating practices, and I had hoped this would set a good example for my daughters.
Conflict between Daughters and Me: Discipline Vs. Fat Daddy
- I wanted to be a good role model.
- I wanted to be Discipline Daddy.
- But get this: My daughters won’t know part of Discipline Daddy.
- They want Lizard Eye Daddy, this Mythical Fat Daddy Creature.
My daughters are enchanted with this mythical Fat Father whose bloated countenance they gawk at every night on my wife’s computer. It’s all they talk about. Every night before they go to bed, they go into their mom’s computer and look up the photo archives and they look with both amazement and affection at Lizard Eye Daddy, and they beg me to become him again.
It’s a nightmare.
What is the appeal?
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out why my daughters are so enamored by Lizard Eye Daddy, and so I asked them:
Natalie says, “Because it looks like you’re so much fun, having a good time. You look so happy.”
“Happy?” I've lost my humanity. I’ve become a Fat Reptile.
We can’t come to an agreement either. I try to explain to them the psychological breakdown reflected in Lizard Eye Daddy and the moral superiority of Discipline Daddy, but my daughters will have no part of it.
They want the Lizard, and this conflict in the family has no end in sight.
That’s where my life is at right now. I hope you guys are doing well.
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