I’m the Hero Watch You’ve Been Looking for All Your Life
Baines pulled his gunmetal gray Honda out of the garage, laid down two rubber mats next to each other, turned on a podcast about the demise of linear television, which was being replaced by streaming services, and did an hour of kettlebell exercises--goblet squats, cleans, swings, and Turkish Get-Ups. Between sets, he examined his watch to look for scratches but found none.
To his relief, his watch did not speak to him during the kettlebell session. He found the barking Sergeant unnerving and the less the watch spoke the better. However, after he cleaned up the garage and walked toward the front door, the timepiece shouted at him. “Fat Face, it’s a bit premature to hit the shower. Let’s get an extra hour of fat burn. Walk around the block five times.”
Not wanting to argue with the barking Sergeant, Baines started walking toward Sepulveda Boulevard and headed west. Traffic roared past him. Sirens blared. He did not like the ambiance but kept his negative thoughts to himself fearing that his Exit Watch would accuse him of being a complainer. He turned right on Palos Verdes Boulevard. After a block, he saw coming from the opposite direction, a frail, slender man in his early seventies with a blue cap and glasses being pulled by a 200-pound dog. This dog appeared to be a hybrid creature--half dog, half Grizzly bear. Its skull was thick and bifurcated. It had the pectoral muscles and deltoids of a professional bodybuilder. Its long tongue hung from its pungent jowls like a bloated two-foot sea slug. Straining on the leash, the creature lunged at Baines as its owner feebly tried to restrain the beast.
To his surprise, Baines was not scared of the monstrous dog. He placed his outstretched hands in front of the dog’s fang-bearing jaws and the dog immediately collapsed on the sidewalk, rolled over, and played dead.
The dog’s owner looked at Baines with a frightened expression and said, “What did you do to my dog?”
Not missing a beat, Baines retorted, “The question, sir, isn’t what I did to your dog. The question is why a feeble pencil-neck geek like yourself is walking in the public domain with a dog you cannot control. You, sir, are a menace to society.”
The man was looking down at his dog and sobbing. “What did you do to my Baby Freckles?”
“Baby Freckles is going to be fine, sir. He’s merely playing dead to protect himself from my wrath. When I depart from you and your contumacious canine, Baby Freckles will get up and you and your dog will return home. Once there, you will call a dog professional to make an appointment so you can learn to control Baby Freckles. Am I understood?”
The man nodded, and Baines continued with his journey around the block.
Baines got into a walking groove and enjoyed the smell of the neighborhood--floral gardens, homemakers baking Italian casseroles, and fabric softeners in nearby washers and dryers.
Up the street, he saw an old lady on her front porch negotiating with an electrician about the price of a new fuse box. He heard the old lady shout, “I had no idea it would cost me five thousand dollars.”
The electrician, a young man with a mustache and glazed-over lizard eyes, said, “That’s what a professional job costs these days.”
Baines briskly headed toward the old lady and the electrician and said, “Good day, my friends. I understand my neighbor here is looking for a repair on her fuse box. I recently had a new one installed by my best friend’s son for under a thousand dollars.” Turning toward the supposed electrician, Baines said, “You, sir, are no longer needed here. You may leave at once.”
The electrician said, “Who in the hell are you to meddle in my business?”
“You, sir, are a predator who takes advantage of old ladies. If you don’t leave this instant, you will find yourself in a more wretched state than your current one, and I assure you, you don’t want to go down that road. I can further assure you it is in your best interest to leave this residence this instant and to never return. Am I clear?”
Not saying a word, the electrician hurried to his faded gray van and drove off in a cloud of dust and smoke.
Baines smiled at the old lady, gave her his electrician’s phone number, and wished her a happy day.
As he walked off her front porch, the old lady smiled and said, “People like you give me hope for this world.”
“It was my pleasure to be of help. I was just trying to be a winner in society.”
“A winner in society, indeed! Have a good day, my friend!”
As Baines glowed with the good feelings he received from the old lady, he imagined a giant incandescent halo had appeared over his head. Not any halo, mind you, but one alighted by Superluminova.
His Exit Watch said to him, “Well played, Baines. You protected an old lady from a predatory businessman and the public from a maniacal bullmastiff.”
“You mean I’m a hero?”
“You could say that. Sure, Fat Face, you’re a hero.”
“If I’m a hero. Then I should reward myself with a brand new watch.”
“You don’t need another watch, Fat Face. You need courage. And you showed plenty of courage today. Don’t you see? I’m the Hero Watch you’ve been looking for all your life. You just haven’t accepted it yet.”
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