I Didn't Find My Exit Watch. It Found Me

I Didn't Find My Exit Watch. It Found Me

Before Baines could refuse to come in, Roland’s mother Maybelline, was standing on the front porch. Her golden hair was in tiny curls, she covered her enormous body with her usual muumuu and her fleshy arms were akimbo. 

“Baines, have you come here to unload your junk on my son? Lord knows he doesn’t need another box of watches.”

“Hello, Mrs. Dooley. Your son insisted.”

“Come on in then.”

Baines followed his friends into the living room. He was immediately overcome by a stench that smelled like athletic socks that had been left in the men’s locker for several months. 

“What’s that smell?”

“Roland and I make our own sauerkraut now,” Maybelline said grandly. “The probiotics help with a healthy gut and reduce inflammation. Would you like to try some?”

Baines grimaced, shook his head, then said, “Someone didn’t get the memo. Homemade sauerkraut makes your house smell like dead donkeys.”

“What’s happened to you, Baines? You’re usually such a well-mannered man? You’ve come here to criticize my sauerkraut?”

Baines could not wipe the look of disgust off his face. “Someone didn’t get the memo. Homemade sauerkraut makes your house smell like B.O.”

“Stop it, Baines. Roland and I are trying to eat healthier, if you don’t mind.”

“Someone didn’t get the memo.”

“Mom, Baines has seriously changed. Smokey doesn’t even like him anymore. He was growling at him.”

Maybelline stared at Baines and said, “What has gotten into you?”

“A metamorphosis.”

“What’s that?” Maybelline asked.

Roland said, “Baines has found his Exit Watch.”

“I didn’t find my Exit Watch, Roland. It found me.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Maybelline said. “You’re not collecting watches anymore.”

“It wasn’t a choice, Mrs. Dooley. It was a necessary move on my part.”

“But you love collecting watches.”

“Love? I’m not sure that’s the right word. My watch hobby has not been fueled by love so much as demonic possession.”

“That’s an awful thing to say. For over ten years, I’ve watched you and Roland grow in the watch hobby. I’ve watched the joy, the bonding, the discovery. Watches have been good to you, Baines.”

“Mrs. Dooley, if I may be blunt, the watch hobby is not something I enjoy. I endure it the way a man goes through life with a stomach ulcer. The watch hobby controls every minute, every thought, every action. I agonize at night about what watch to wear to work the next day. I plan for months in advance what watches I’ll wear on vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations. I stare at my watch at meetings. I do several strap swaps a day in a state of great anxiety. I buy, sell, and rebuy watches. I hide watch purchases from my wife. I feel guilty for spending more on a watch than I spend for my family to fly to a resort in Cancun. The watch hobby has made my life a farce. I’ve become a parody of myself.”

“But you are a fine man, a winner in society. Your watch hobby is part of your success and happiness.”

“No, Mrs. Dooley, the watch hobby has ruined my life.”

“So now you’re unloading all your watches on Roland before you abandon him. Is that it?”

“Look, Mrs. Dooley, I was perfectly content to sell them on eBay, but your son insisted on taking them.”

“Very well. Roland can take your watches but on one condition. You have to let me tell you the Secret and only you can know.” She turned toward her son. “Roland, that means you have to leave the room. Go give Smokey a walk.”

“But, Mom, I want to hear the Secret.”

“You will not hear it. It’s for your own good. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Mom.”

Obediently, Roland walked outside. Baines settled on the couch and watched as Mrs. Dooley took a sip of water and prepared to tell him the Secret.

 

   

Comments

[Valeri]

Hello old friend. I read your post and i think i am crazy..am i? Love watches like you. Maybe it is syndrome or maybe we just get old and appreciate perfection? Perfection in machinery, mechanical..perfection in craft.. and of course, the Prise is matter. Long story short. I bought omega, - love it, tag Hauer, love it too, but still buying watch much cheaper, like Briston, citizen, Seiko. Why???No Idea..But I love to do, what i do. After twenty years or more I will find it in some of my drover and i will travel in that time, when I have been living in Japan, drinking many famous and not brands of whiskey, swum in different sea and ocean and enjoyed Japanese food. Nothing perfect. Life is fantastic. Enjoy moments. Your fried Val.

[Val]

anyway.. nice Seiko, love it too, fantastic watch.