Herculodge

Dear Herculodge: The Essential Guide to Saving Your Manhood in an Era of Shriveling Masculinity

Tom Cruise playing the fearless hero in Mission Impossible exalts his masculinity, but then he asserts his masculinity too far when on Oprah he jumps on a couch like an alpha chimp to show how giddy and testosterone-filled he is over his supposed euphoria with  Katie Holmes and suddenly he finds his manliness is in question. His public relations debacle is an important lesson to the man who tries too hard to inflate his masculine status and finds that he has pushed the envelope too far so that instead of looking manly he looks just plain desperate.

 

Sadly, most men fall into this common trap. If only they were more familiar with the confusing male masculinity system, with its complex codes, rules, and hierarchies, they wouldn’t feel so desperate to flex their masculine muscles in ways that paint them as emasculated clowns. Some sort of guide is needed to lay out the unspoken Male Code, to classify the Code’s essential features as they pertain to clothing, body image, cars, gadgets, dating, and marriage. Thankfully, we have Dear Herculodge: The Essential Guide to Saving Your Manhood in an Era of Shriveling Masculinity. The author, world renown motivator and masculinity expert Herculodge, has spent his entire life steeped in masculine pursuits, not the least of which are Olympic Weightlifting, competitive bodybuilding, jiu-jitsu, and combat conditioning. Rubbing shoulders with the world’s most macho men, he is privy to the irrational impulses, biases, prejudices, and apex predator fantasies that makeup the Male Code. Dear Herculodge answers those urgent questions that burn in the heart of every man who is worried about his masculine status: What taboos exist that could strip a man of all his Man Points? What deeds and conquests might earn an abundance of Man Points? What is the most masculine way to deal with rejection? What constitutes “manly eating”? What is the connection between cars and male potency? Why will a man lose more Man Points from reading The Bridges of Madison County than he will from seeing it on film? Answers to these perplexing questions and a host of others are forthcoming in Dear Herculodge, which offers a scathing, unflinching look at the imbecilities behind man’s unspoken masculinity system. 

Another Masculinity Makeover Brought to You by Herculodge

 

He is known today simply as Herculodge and he is in demand all over the world for his seminars and lectures about the masculine condition. His best-selling book says it all: Dear Herculodge: The Essential Guide to Saving Your Manhood in an Era of Shriveling Masculinity. While Herculodge receives hundreds of thousands of letters and e-mails every year from men with a multitude of problems, the world’s most renown Masculinity Guru says the correspondences are all, in fact, about the same thing: the proper restoration of one’s masculinity in a world that has grown lax, spoiled, and complacent. As he has once said, “Give me a man—anyone man—who feels not all is right with himself and I can correct him by defining his masculinity and conforming him to that definition.”

Such is the case of the men who will be writing to this blog's DEAR HERCULODGE section. These are men in  desperate need of a “masculinity makeover,” as Herculodge calls it. Most of the men featured here will be professionals, well educated, financially comfortable, socially responsible, and by all outward appearances lives a “good life,” but as their correspondences with Herculodge will show, these are all men struggling with debilitating character deficiencies that point to a “crisis of masculinity,” as Herculodge calls it. Over the ensuing months we will watch as Herculodge takes charge of the situation and see what kind of makeover he has in store for these weary emasculated souls.

 

3,000 Calories a Day—Can I Do It?

 Dear Herculodge, 

The other day, I heard Dr. Dean Edell say on the radio that the average American consumes 3,700 calories a day, which he said is a huge amount and explains why so many Americans are fat. Funny that when I got to thinking about that number, it occurred to me that 3,700 calories is about the amount I ingest on a daily basis, give or take a few. And this number explains why I’m 20-25 pounds heavier than I want to be, or should be, or both. I got to calculating the numbers of calories I ingest a day vs. calories I burn based on my daily 1-hour workouts, and I concluded that if I would just decrease my calorie consumption by 700, hitting the 3,000 mark a day, I would be reducing 4,900 calories a week, over a pound a fat, which is 3,600 calories. Based on a conservative estimate, I would lose a pound a week and get down to my desired weight in 5 or 6 months. Sounds good on paper, but it’s all about execution. Do you have any tips that might increase the success of my plan? 

Sincerely,

Graham Hoerner 

Dear Mr. Hoerner, 

You act as if limiting your daily calorie intake to 3,000 is some insurmountable task, some trauma, some injury from which you can never recover. You act as if the very word “limit” is a strain to your psyche and you resent this boundary, which, let’s face it, my friend, will free you in many ways. This boundary, this 3,000 calorie limit—which is rather generous when you consider many less fortunate souls with slower metabolisms and less active lifestyles than yours must limit their calories to 1,200 a day—is in fact quite lavish. I will even go so far as to say it is no limit at all and does not even constitute dieting. You see, my friend, you are whining for nothing. The problem you’re having is not, objectively speaking, with limiting your calories to 3,000 a day, which is a number too high to worry about. The problem is in your head. Your obsession with the idea of being limited on a diet freaks you out because you are both anxious and spoiled. Therefore, overcoming your eating problem points to overcoming something far more significant than your body weight. Succeeding at keeping your calories around 3,000 will build your character, make you less self-indulgent, less helpless, less spoiled, less babyish. 

Your quest to keep your calories at 3,000, then, is more than a physical quest; it is a moral one and you must embark on this quest by doing the following: 

1. Get a calorie counter and know how many calories you’re eating per meal. To be sure your calorie count is accurate, assiduously record everything you eat in a journal.
2. Eat 200 calories a day of “indulgent” food such as chocolate so you will fool your brain into thinking you’re not on a diet per se.
3. Eat 3 meals that are 800 calories and 2 snacks that are about 300.
4. If you become anxious and this anxiety compels you to eat, purge your oral fixation by chomping on celery, carrots, and maybe apples, bearing in mind that this “chomping session” must be added to your calorie intake and is therefore not a “free for all.” Thus if you eat 300 calories of carrots, one of your meals will have to be 500. 

Your anxiety of keeping your calories at the astronomically high 3,000 mark points to some serious psychological problems you need to address: 

1. You have become a slave to your own abundance and good fortune, allowing yourself to become dependent on the rich array of food choices that are available to you.
2. You did not wake up spoiled. You gradually become spoiled and only now do you know you are shackled to your self-indulgences when the condition has become so bad as to require my intervention.
3. Your problems are self-created, which is to say, they exist in your head, not in reality. Therefore, it is your head that needs fixing. The 3,000-limit is, by comparison, trivial and insignificant and is not even the real issue of our correspondence.
4. Your fear that you cannot limit your calories points to learned helplessness, a condition that, like being spoiled, has as grown gradually. 

To conclude, your 3,000 calories limit is, when looked at objectively, hardly a program that can be characterized as arduous, austere, or punishing. The problem lies in your head and I encourage you to conquer your eating excesses so that you not only achieve your desired weight but build your character in such a way that you can feel proud, mature, confident—a man in control, a man who knows how to enjoy life within the proper boundaries. If you cannot live within the boundaries of your appetites, then I urge you to observe the miserable fate of those bratty children who could not control theirs in the classic 1972 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Don’t act like an incontinent spoiled brat. Act like a man. 

Dear Herculodge: Can You Save Me from Myself?

Dear Herculodge,

I have an embarrassing problem that points to something incredibly weak that defines who I am. I’m talking about self-pity. I have an indulgent, perhaps narcissistic personality that I’m afraid compels me to respond to all my problems and difficulties with an adolescent, overblown sense of self-pity. When I see myself as being less popular, courageous, and successful as I’d like to be, I become discouraged, frustrated, and overcome by a sense of self-loathing and pity. When I see myself being so damn needy, rather than do things that would make me less needy, I pity myself in such a thoroughly indulgent way that I became even more needy than before. 

Herculodge, I am mired in a vicious cycle and I don’t know what to do. Can you help me? 

 

Dear Reader, 

I suspect one way to deal with your problems is to consider your problems in terms of proportion and degree rather than as black and white absolutes. You say you’re narcissistic, needy, full of self-pity and overcome by a sense of failure. All I can say is join the club. Everyone has those feelings and I gather you’re intelligent and reasonable enough to see that you’re not alone in your plight. The point is that we are all afflicted with a sense of neediness and self-loathing and failure—to a certain degree, but most of us don’t allow these afflictions to overtake us so that we have lost our appetite for life, for our striving to achieve worthy goals and so on. 

I get the sense that you feel that your self-pitying needy condition is so absolute as to distinguish you from the rest of us. Also, I get the sense that you see your self-pity as an absolute condition when I would argue that it is more fluid, relative, and transitory that you would like to think. 

What I see in your inquiry is that you are a man not so much overcome by self-pity, per se, but by absolutes, by a compulsion to see things as black and white. This passion for clarity compels you to oversimplify who you are and a result you are myopic and downright blind as to who you are and as to what possibilities you may or may not have. As a result, you exaggerate your condition and believing in your exaggerated self-definition makes you act upon your deluded beliefs resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy, which in turn reinforces your delusions. 

What steps can I provide that might point toward an exit sign from your dilemma? One, you must not spend too much alone as you appear to be your own worst enemy. Two, you need to recognize that feelings of failure, self-pity, and neediness are part of the human condition and not a unique template that has been exclusively stamped into your DNA. Third, you need to transfer your sadness from the island of yourself toward the suffering that afflicts the whole human race. This kind of sadness is called weltsmertz, the German term for the “sadness of the world.” To be focused on your own sadness will result in narcissistic paralysis. To be focused on the sadness of the world links you to the human race and hopefully impels you to commit your life to addressing the world’s sadness, which I believe is the only “solution” to the human condition. 

Dear Herculodge: Has My Weak Grip Ruined Me?

Dear Herculodge,

Recently my boss took me to the golf course to play with an important client and when the client, a former all-state wrestler, shook my hand, he crushed it. I did all I could do not to scream but the client could tell I was in great pain. Rather than apologize, he called me a wussy and decided to hire another consulting firm for his business before marching off the golf course. My boss warned me that if I ever humiliate him again with my “weak grip” I’m finished. What have I done?

You’ve violated the Male Code, my son. For it is a taboo for man to offer a soggy, limp hand during the all-important Manly Handshake, what Men In The Know simply call the “Manshake.” If you or anyone doubts the importance of a dominant handshake, I would like to point out that there is a thriving Man Culture devoted to handshake strength. One of today’s great Masters of the Manly Handshake is John Wood, former defensive lineman from the University of Michigan. Additionally, John Wood specializes in obscure “lost” strength exercises once popular many decades ago, such as the one-armed snatch. He also trains men to crush high-grade steel cans with their bare hands and performs these shows of amazing hand strength at strength training seminars throughout the country. Reading John Wood’s website article “The Power of a Strong Handshake,” we can see that Wood, an astute observer of male psychology, knows that men are making all sorts of judgments about other men’s character, both consciously and unconsciously, during that crucial First Handshake.

 

Whether you realize it or not, your hands reveal many things about you. A good firm handshake is a universal sign of strength and assuredness which is why everyone (yes, you too ladies.) should have one. A firm (but not crushing) hand shake is a sign of mutual respect from both parties. The Handshake immediately sets the tone for any meeting. In fact, when John F. Kennedy was running for president of the United States, he commissioned a study to determine the most effective handshake.

Having strong hands, however, does NOT give you the right to crush the life out of someone else's hands when you first meet. I'm sure we've all had that experience at some point and it sure isn't fun. It us fun, though, when you shake hands with some "punk" who thinks he is going to show you how strong his hands really are. It is only then that I like to give em' "the crusher." The look on their faces is always priceless when they realize they are actually shaking hands with a vise. This only happens on rare, of course, occasions, but when it does happen, having a crusher grip really comes in handy. . . . Whether you were on the other side of a limp handshake or a bone crusher, you probably weren't feeling positive about the other person when it happened. Again, a solid handshake can make all the difference.

Handshake Master John Wood teaches men how to avoid the humiliation of a weak handshake. He promotes a very manly-named hand grip exerciser—the Captain of Crush Hand Gripper. Keep at least three of these grippers, one for your car, one for your home, and one for work so you can build your gripping strength and never suffer the loss of Man Points that results from having a limp handshake. Your manliness depends upon it. 

Dear Herculodge: If I Opt for the Automatic Transmission, Will I Compromise My Masculinity?

Dear Mr. Man Points,

As traffic around town has steadily worsened and as sciatica pains shoot down my ass, I find I’ve lost my urge to pump a clutch pedal during my two-hour traffic-filled commute. I’ve therefore opted for an automatic transmission. Does this violate the Male Code?

Spare me your pathetic excuses for getting an automatic transmission, you Pillsbury Dough Boy. Few things in life feel more manly than zooming around town in a sporty car with a six-speed manual gear box, which in effect is a very empowering experience. It makes a man feel “one with the car,” it allows him to feel the engine’s power in ways that are not possible with the automatic, it affords him the pleasure of the low-end torque as he shifts from first to second gear and beyond, and most importantly it affirms to his male brethren that he refuses to compromise his car’s performance for nebbish convenience.

Loathsome philistines can’t be bothered with the masculine experience of shifting gears. The convenience and ease of an automatic compromises speed and “car connectedness.” As a result, it wastes the potential thrill of the BMW M5 or the Infiniti G37 coupe or the super charged Mini Cooper. What kind of man makes this compromise? An emasculated one. A man could be driving around town in his six-speed manual BMW M5, and as such he could be swinging breathtakingly huge elephant testicles. But pathetically, he opts to drive the same car, in the diminished automatic version, which renders his testicles sun-dried Brussels sprouts.

Moreover, a man who surrenders to the automatic version casts doubts on other aspects of his character. Does he squat when he pees? Does he scream falsetto during a surprise encounter with a spider? Does he cringe while gutting a trout?

Therefore, a man’s purchases a sport car with the automatic transmission, featuring “Agitronic Paddles,” which allow him to “shift” without a clutch, does not appease the contempt of his male friends who have told him repeatedly that in middle-age he must get a “fun” car, an automobile that generates adrenaline and heightened states of masculinity. To show their displeasure, they will not even come over to see his brand new seventy-thousand-dollar automobile. Let’s face it, when a man buys a new car, one of the purchase’s greatest pleasures is the opportunity to show off the car to his male friends, to watch them gawk at it, to envy him, to ask him questions about its specs, to “inspire” them to buy the same car, and to feel the power that such influence wields.

But a man who has “ruined” his car by opting for the automatic is now a pariah, a Judas of Male Society. Therefore, you should be warned that no matter how many good reasons you come up with for getting the automatic—you can’t eat a breakfast burrito and talk on your cell phone while shifting gears, your herniated disc makes it too painful to press down on the clutch through city traffic, the stop-and-go traffic is so horrendous that in ninety percent of your driving you can’t even get out of second gear and as such you feel “like a caged animal,” that being trapped in second gear causes road rage and a seething dyspepsia that counteracts the alleged advantages of manual shifting—you will not receive any sympathy. For a man in middle age with the resources to buy his dream car is expected to get it in a manual and no excuses in the world will save him from losing Man Points. 

Dear Herculodge: Is There Such Thing As Gadget Overload?

Dear Herculodge,

For many years now I have been in the habit of cluttering flashy technological equipment around my crotch area. Cell phones, MP3 players, personal organizers, laptops, and oversized beverages are just a few high-profile items I like to keep close by. Lately, though, my wife’s been telling me that I’m overdoing it. I also resent her suggestion that my need to “crowd” my crotch area points to an inferiority complex, clearly a sign of lost Man Points. Could you please give me some basic ground rules?

I’m afraid your wife may be on to something. Cluttering your lap region with more than three techno-gadgets does indeed enter into the realm of overkill. Cram too many contraptions around the crotch and your lap becomes a hive of high-voltage activity, none sexual, to the point that when it comes to sex you will wish you could use your wallet or cell phone since you are more accustomed to using artifice and less accustomed to using your own member. Fatigued by your multi-tasking, you will also be less potent biologically and you will demonstrate your potency by utilizing the technological gizmos that crowd your crotch area—your 60-gig iPod, your Personal Data Assistant or your handheld GPS satellite tracking system.  The latter device allows you to boast to strangers that you are, like Jack Bauer, “triangulating” signals and this makes you feel like you are tracking a spy or a terrorist when in fact—let’s be honest—the only time you use it is to monitor the whereabouts of a pizza delivery that is fifteen minutes late to your home or office. Such a trivial use of your GPS system results in a serious loss of Man Points.

I also believe your wife has even more serious worries, namely, that the items that you attach to your groin generally trap or generate heat, which is deadly to human sperm, so you essentially negate your reproductive abilities in several ways, not the least of which is the ongoing sperm bake going on in your testicles on a daily basis. The scrotum, it must be recognized, was designed to hang below savage loincloths and stay cool, but now yours is bound up in jock straps, athletic underwear, corduroy jeans, Blackberry devices, and cups of piping hot coffee. Your testicles respond to this hostile environment by shriveling into wrinkled raisins and this abysmal state of affairs compels you to find even greater ways to enhance your ever-shriveling groin with shiny, overheating technological accoutrements. And thus you are now caught up in a vicious cycle with your precious jewels paying a sorry price. I say heed your wife’s advice and free up your crotch area for the more important nuptial duties your wife demands of you. 

Dear Herculodge: Can You Tell Me What's Wrong With Me?

Dear Herculodge, 

What’s happened to me? I used to be an intellectual. I used to care about ideas. I used to read voraciously. I used to hang out in cafes and have long talks with like-minded folks about philosophy, politics, you know, real “issues.”

Over the years, however, as I have nestled into my creature comforts and my reliable routine, I find myself numb at times, indifferent at other times, and downright cynical most of the time.

I get excited every now and then by a fine glass of wine, a decent meal in a restaurant, some new gadget or other, or some new song on the radio. But for the most part I feel like I’m in a funk. Am I experiencing a common midlife crisis or is this something deeper?

 

Dear Reader,

The short answer to your question is that you’re suffering from a condition known as ennui, a general boredom with life. A longer answer might be that you are becoming, like most of us languishing through Modern Life, the kind of creature Nietzsche dreaded—the Last Man, a well-fed, consumer who relying on technological advancement and science for his wellbeing finds himself to be somewhat of a spiritual eunuch.

 

People deal with their ennui in many ways. Some go on spiritual quests, venturing to exotic, remote parts of the world and finding a gaunt guru. Others find a deity to their liking and an institution that packages their deity in a way that seems palatable. Still others join web chat groups where people obsess over some consumer product—watches, shoes, handbags, cars—which becomes a proxy for religious worship. Others become lost in creative work or some political ideal. Others become obsessed with finding romantic or erotic love, which becomes a sort of abyss where they become eternally lost and distracted.

I’m sorry I cannot prescribe some one-size-fits-all solution to your crisis. Nor can I offer you Ultimate Truth on a silver platter. But at least you’re aware that something is not right inside of you, which is evidence that there is some kind of life still roiling in your veins.

All I can do is leave you with a quote from Franz Kafka: “Truth is what every man needs in order to live, but can obtain or purchase from no one. Each man must reproduce it from within, otherwise he must perish.”

 

 

 

I’m a Consumer Addict, But I Draw the Line at Salacious Gossip

 

Dear Herculodge,

 

I’m your typical modern day consumer, a man addicted to shopping, the Internet, sales, and the general hype of the “next big thing.” I ache with guilt for having become so helpless in my addictions and for becoming so superficial in my materialistic longings. And my friends and associates are similar. We all “bond” by our consumer choices. It’s as if consumerism is our only pathetic way for some kind of shared experience.

 

But I see hope. Recently, a lot of hubbub has been made of a famous baseball player divorcing his wife as he pursues a romance with a pop singer. And the good news is this: I find myself completely indifferent, even a bit disdainful, of the salacious gossip that this scenario is generating. Does my lack of interest in tabloid news suggest that there’s hope for me? That behind my superficial shell of ardent materialism is a deep, sensitive soul waiting to be awakened?

 Dear Reader,

 

While disdaining the prurient gossip that permeates our culture is no panacea for your psychological and spiritual woes, it does indeed point toward an exit sign so that you may free yourself from your current malaise.

 

On one hand, you must not puff with pride for being “above” the gossip de jour. On the other hand, you must not sink into the despair of having capitulated so thoroughly, as you describe, to the seductions of modern day consumerism. You must fight the extremes of pride and despair as you look at the root causes of your consumer addiction.

 

And what those root causes might be? Consumerism is usually a fraudulent substitute for a sense of connection, belonging, and creativity.

 

Whatever creative interests you have, pursue them with more ardor.

 

Regarding connection and belonging, that will be more difficult as our society in too many cases is blind to the fact that connection is an invaluable part of a healthy, thriving culture. As a result, loneliness is a pervasive part of modern life and consumerism, which offers the false promise of popularity and belonging, springs from the ache that loneliness produces.

 

Hopefully knowing that consumerism springs from loneliness will give you pause next time you feel compelled to click on the “Buy Now” button of whatever shopping Internet sign you happen to be looking at.

 

 

Dear Herculodge: Save Me from My Computer Addiction!

Dear Herculodge,

Over the last 10 years, a creeping Internet and general computer addiction has afflicted to me so that when my computer goes out or I have to update software or I have to reload my iTunes and iPod I suffer from acute anxiety as if my whole being is being threatened. Is my computer addiction the cause of my unhappiness or does my unhappiness predispose me to my computer addiction?

Dear Reader,

Your sense of anxiety is neither the cause nor symptom of computer addiction or your unhappiness. Rather, your unhappiness and addiction exist in a symbiotic relationship. The interdependence is a messy tangle that millions of people suffer and because being glued to one's computer is so pervasive it is often perceived as "normal" when in fact such a dependence, one that gives profit-glory glee to marketers, is the cause of a host of pathologies, not the least of which is that terminable isolation on the computer causes a warped sense of reality. So as you try to emancipate yourself from your addiction, do not fall into the either/or fallacy or, to use a colloquialism, don't get lost in what came first, the chicken or the egg.

You would be wise to do several "non-computer activities" throughout the day such as rigorous exercise and housework in order to give yourself a healthy distance? 

Is it possible to actually free oneself from the computer? I doubt it. The computer's easy access to commerce, information, and creative tools, the very qualities that make it so dangerous, are also the very qualities that make it such compelling technology. You must concede that there will be a certain degree of addictive behavior but that you will mitigate your addictive tendencies by creating balance through activities that exist outside the realm of your computer.