Leaving Anhedonia

"Richard Lewis, Leave My Boyfriend!"

I finally started dating when I was in my mid-twenties. My first girlfriend noticed that I was enamored by a particularly neurotic comedian named Richard Lewis. He specialized in neediness, desperation, alienation, pessimism, and general morbidity. My first girlfriend noticed that not only did I have a special fondness for Richard Lewis, but that I was in many ways an extension of him. It was as if I had the spirit of Richard Lewis roiling inside me. My girlfriend would often shake me and say, “Richard Lewis, leave my boyfriend!” But her ad hoc exorcisms proved futile. 

One afternoon, she was depressed because I was so depressed about death. 

“Why are you thinking about death? You’re only twenty-five years old?”

“I want to get an early start,” I said. 

Right there, my girlfriend looked up at the heavens and said, “God, you must remove the spirit of Richard Lewis from my boyfriend.”

God looked down at her and said, “I agree that would be a very desirable thing to do, but sadly such a removal would be impossible. You see, Richard Lewis’ spirit is the very essence of your boyfriend. To remove the spirit would result in your boyfriend’s death.”

My girlfriend shook her fist at God and said, “If you’re so impotent, then I can no longer believe in you.”

“Suit yourself,” God said.

And right there, my girlfriend lost her faith in God and dumped me in the blink of an eye.

Meaning Quest That Doesn't End Well

A young man in his early twenties goes to the beach, looks up at the sky and says, “God, help me find meaning.” 

God says, “Look at the rocks about you and pick them up, study the bottom of them, and eventually you will find that one of them has the meaning of life inscribed on it.” 

The young man looks at the hundreds of thousands of rocks surrounding him and says, “But God, there are so many rocks. This could take a long time.”

“I have spoken,” God says.

So the young man embarks upon his meaning quest, picking up thousands upon thousands of rocks. Decades pass, and the persevering man, now in his nineties, emaciated, lonely, and decrepit, is still standing on the beach. Every rock has been upturned, but he has found nothing. The old man looks up at the heavens and says, “God, I am really pissed off at you.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I did what you told me to do. I have upturned all the rocks, but I have found nothing. What’s worse, God, is that I’m near the end of my days and I have nothing to show for it.”

Then God says, “That’s right, you dumb shit. Now die.”