Chapter 10
When Self-Sacrifice Can be a Bad Thing for Parents and Their Children
Perhaps driven by parental guilt and competitiveness, there is this extreme ideal of self-sacrifice for our children, our beliefs, our cause and our mission that becomes misguided. I agree with Viktor Frankl who writes in the Preface to Man’s Search for Meaning that there was a constant message he had for his students based on the importance of self-sacrifice:
“Don’t aim for success—the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run—in the long run, I say!—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.”
Too many parents misinterpret the wisdom of Frankl’s words, especially the part of “one’s surrender to a person other than oneself,” with the idea that complete surrender to their children is a measure of their parental devotion. One danger of this extreme ideology of self-sacrifice is that in the service of their children that parents have forgotten to be a self and as a result have failed to be a somebody with character and depth for the children to look up to.
I didn’t think of this parental fallacy until I read these insightful words from Jonny:
I don't feel like I really landed on earth until my first daughter was born. Before that, Real Life was always in the future, but as soon as she screamed her way into the world, my life mattered. Or to put it another way, "The shit got real."
That said, I've come to feel strongly that the best way for me to serve my daughters and their unfolding is through serving my own. Not in a self-serving manner, but that by actualizing myself, my own dreams, and creating my own meaning, that I can provide an example for my daughters. The last thing I'd want is for them to grow up and see that their father hasn't done what he has tried to help them do: discover and follow their bliss.
Sorry, can't agree completely. When you bring a new life into this world, your life must go on the back burner, at least temporarily. It's not all about you anymore. Why do so many children of
"Fulfilled" and "accomplished" parents turn out so screwed up? And sure, they will usually say the kid was mentally defective in some way. Oh, please.
Posted by: Ed S | 02/13/2014 at 10:20 AM
Ed, I think it's a balance. Or I should say the sacrifice should be 80 percent, not 100 percent. There has to be a little self-building. But overall I agree with your point as it speaks to parents who retain their individual vaulting ambition in the face of having children.
Posted by: herculodge | 02/13/2014 at 10:37 AM
Ed, if someone is fine with putting their life on the back burner, then I see no problem with that. But complete self-abnegation only leads to problems - and, ultimately, worse parenting. As Jeff said, there's a balance. And I'm not talking about watching the game while your wife is going through labor, but making time for oneself, to pursue one's creative interests.
Posted by: jonnybardo | 02/13/2014 at 11:32 AM