My wife Lara was skeptical about my publishing venture. She said, “You’re always writing a book. It seems like every two months you finish one and go on to another. I can’t keep track.”
“Jesus, Lara. You didn't know I wrote Man Points?”
“Oh, yeah. Is it really getting published?”
I felt snubbed at her cluelessness. I had just finished telling her the day before that my agent Jack Hiatus of The Hiatus Agency had been calling me every day for the last week to tell me how the publishers, close friends of his, were giddy with laughter as they read my nonfiction manuscript Man Points: The Ultimate Guide to Saving Your Manhood in an Era of Shriveling Masculinity. My agent said there was a lot of “buzz” among the publishers and I inferred, safely I thought, that its sale was inevitable. Suddenly, I was feeling very manly. I had marketed myself as a “masculinity expert,” touting my credentials in the book’s introduction:
In my middle-age, I studied jiu-jitsu for a year with the famous Gracie family. Additionally, I have forged friendships with Navy SEALS, British Special Forces operatives, PRIDE fighters and other combatants in mixed martial arts fighting. I have, in short, rubbed shoulders with the world’s most macho men, and I am privy to the irrational impulses, biases, prejudices, and apex predator fantasies that make up the Male Code. From these testosterone-fueled dreams, I have culled the most important elements that make up Man Points so that I can provide a guide for those who feel perplexed by the dizzying labyrinth that makes up the Man Points system.
Now I imagined the ringing in my ears would impede my ability to navigate my book tour as I took questions from fans and conducted television and radio interviews. Furthermore, an “ear condition” and its accompanying dizziness would compromise the masculinity I needed to assert during my book promotion. When I explained these concerns to Lara, she told me I was worrying prematurely. “Didn’t you have a cold a week ago? Maybe the tinnitus is related to that.”
“So you’re denying this eardrum explosion from your Leidecker podcast is the culprit?”
“No. Of course it’s a possibility. I’m just saying we should wait and see if the ringing goes away before you start panicking about your book tour. Plus I don’t see a publishing contract in your hand. Do you?”
“I’ve got a bad feeling,” I said.
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