It’s Official: The New Neighbors Don’t Like Me

About three weeks ago, I met a new family in the neighborhood. The mother, who I’ll call Harriet, has three sons, age 4, 7, and 10. They were playing on the front yard where a tent swing hung from their yard’s tree limb. My twin three-year-old daughters played on the swing and met the boys all of whom were friendly.

Everything seemed fine for a while, but my girls became obsessive about their swing and their family’s cat, who I’ll call Max. My daughters Natalie and Julia would stay in the yard for over a half hour, maybe even an hour, at least once a day. I’d take my twins there when the mother and her sons weren’t home, at which time the two grandmothers, who I’ll call Helen and Lillian, came out and talked to me. They seemed nice and assured me my daughters were welcome to play on the yard. A week later, I met the husband, who I’ll call Jack, and he too was amicable.

 

My daughters continued to say “Let’s go see Max!” every day (they still do) and I’d oblige them. I was gratified that I could take my girls to this family’s yard. It became part of my daughters’ daily ritual. It wasn’t easy watching them. The girls would get into the open garage and rummage through sundry items, they’d fiddle with the cat’s fountain-like water bowl on the front porch, taking off the top and exposing the hose, and in general caused chaos. But I assumed it was okay. After all, everyone thinks my girls are cute, right?

 

I don’t know exactly at which point it occurred to me that my girls and I were being an intrusion. The signs were initially subtle. I sensed that the husband and wife, who strike me as very smart, decent, warm, and nice people, were tolerating me and my daughters because my girls are so young and innocent, but in fact, I had soon worn out our welcome because I was being egregiously presumptuous.

There was one huge clue that I was playing the role of intruder. One afternoon, Harriet cheerfully told me that her nanny, seeing me sitting on the front porch, called Harriet and was so terrified about this stranger sitting in the yard she wanted to know if she should call the cops. I assume Harriet told her who I was. 

In spite of Harriet's warm personality, she and her husband's demeanor seemed gradually more guarded around me. And there wasn’t a feeling of comfort or openness the last two times I talked to them with my girls chasing their cat and pulling his tail and getting into their flower bed, etc. I sensed a coldness, especially yesterday when they were having a yard sale and the street was unusually busy with car traffic at which point their cat Max, running away from my daughters, went into the street and the husband Jack said he was concerned his cat might get hit by a car. As he was saying this, my daughter Natalie picked up an AC power supply that went to a toy car they were selling and was about to unravel the cord when I picked her up, rounded up her sister, and left the family. When I said goodbye to Jack, he seemed rather cold and distant.

I want to emphasize, I never felt Jack or his wife were cold or unfriendly; rather, I was getting the sense that I was being presumptuous, clueless, and intrusive with the way I brought my daughters to their front yard. Perhaps I was feeding off Jack and Harriet’s positive energy to compensate for my exhaustion as a 51-year-old father who stays home much of the day with his twin toddlers.

Worried about my diminished status, I took my daughters home and voiced my concerns to my wife. She agreed with me that I “should cool it” and not bring our girls to Jack and Harriet’s for a while.

This Easter evening, around 5:30 P.M., I was walking the girls around the block (and I had avoided taking them to Jack’s front yard) when Jack’s family was exiting his SUV on the street opposite their house. The family members were carting off Easter feast leftovers. Pulling my girls in their wagon, I looked at Jack and said, “Happy Easter.” Never making eye contact with me and with what appeared to be a sullen expression, he mumbled “Same to you,” and the frostiness was more evident than before.

So my intuition was correct. He and his wife are annoyed by me. Worse, I’ve become a pestilence. And even though I now see the error of my ways, the negative impression I’ve made has already been established and my guess is the door to that friendship with these new neighbors is shut and is unlikely to open again.

I hate it when I do things that make me feel stupid and there’s nothing I can do to redeem myself.

Because here’s the deal: Any attempts on my part at this point to ingratiate myself with Harriet and Jack will just dig me deeper into a hole. All I can do is take my stupid actions on the chin, as it were, and carry on. And it’s easier said than done. I’m one of those men who saddles himself unnecessarily with emotional baggage. And there lies the Man Points Violation. Not my stupidity so much, but my fretting over it over and over.

To be continued . . . 

Comments

[Milo M]

That's a tough situation, and one I've been on the receiving end of (nuisance neighbor and their kid constantly on my porch). I think the best, and most manly, option would be to drop by with a bottle of wine or similar and offer an honest apology, admitting your cluelessness. If you fear that moment has passed and meeting them personally may not go well, it may work to leave it a gift with a handwritten note of apology. If they are reasonable people, I imagine it would go a long way toward mending your neighborly relationship.

[herculodge]

Milo, that's good advice. I'll leave a note and a bottle of wine with their nanny. And I'll be more pro-active from now on about keeping my daughters off people's property.

[mike]

Really - here is the angle you take at this point. Now you set your speakers up so they direct at their house. Then put on and blair the most threatening music something like Dead Kennedys Circle Jerks Black Flag. Make sure the you invite over the most rude people you know and then have a party. Make sure they bring the monster trucks, harleys etc. Also having them carrying weapons into your else would also help with the asthetics. Your neghbors will the be nice as they uickly realize you are the one in control of your friends.this trick works everytime and for every niegbor that moves in. Its also applies to commercial properties. Use this system last week at my new commerical property.

[herculodge]

Mike, since you already love The Dead Kennedys, The Circle Jerks and rowdy parties, you would be very amenable to such a plan.