Even with grueling kettlebell workouts I'm 30 pounds overweight. I need to be 195. I didn't see this clearly until I saw Slater Kenny, ripped of course, on HBO Real Sports. It's very clear to me now: Weighing 225 is not natural, healthy, or desirable in any way, shape or form.
Sometimes you need a vision before you can achieve your goal. After vacation, I plan on getting my daily calorie count down to 2,200 with drastic reducation in sugars and starches.
This morning, a pleasantly gloomy, humid morning in Torrance, I walked my dog Gretchen and when I returned my wife Carrie asked me if we should dress our twins in shorts or long pants for preschool. I said it was hot out.
She said, "I don't trust your sense of the weather. You run hotter than everyone else."
Comedy is salvation. It’s the magic that converts your
pain, neediness, and loneliness into a triumph over your melancholy
disposition. And sometimes, like all people, you are funny. And usually when
you’re funny, you’re just being you. You’re not even trying to be funny. And
the dilemma is that as soon as you try to chronicle your funniness, you’re
“playing to the camera,” as it were and the charm and the humor is gone.
Another thing to consider is that the good comedians, the
ones that you like—Louis C.K. Dave Attell, Patton Owalt—to name a few, sit down
and craft jokes and observations and they create enough material to compel
thousands of people to show up to their performances.
Can you do that? No, you cannot. So you’re not funny for
two reasons. You’re too self-conscious, trying to capture your funny moments,
which is just self-centered and obnoxious, and you don’t have the talent and
intelligence to sit down and craft a comedy routine that commands an audience.
We can add one more thing into the mix. You’re fifty-one
now. What? Considering a new career in standup? Think about it. If you’re not
funny by now, you will never be. And now I know you’re hearing that song by
Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes. Just change the lyrics so that the word is
“funny,” not “know” and you’ll be fine.
Don’t cry. I know it’s not fair. You’re saying, “I share
the comedian’s misery and neurosis but I don’t have any of the talent and
intelligence to console me the way do.”
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